Friday, May 15, 2015

Romney is preparing to get creamed by another black man.

Another day, another steaming pile of HOT NEWS for the Howdygram. Oh boy, right? Today’s themes include political announcements, Marcy goes shopping and decorating dilemmas. So grab yourself a Marcytini, rip open a bag of Cheetos and get comfortable!

I’ll begin with a frightening story from the world of championship boxing, where the big matchup tonight in Holladay, Utah, is MITT ROMNEY VS. EVANDER HOLYFIELD as a fundraiser for the nonprofit Charity Vision. Holyfield, 52, is a retired five-time heavyweight champion of the world; Romney, 68, is a flabby two-time loser for President of the United States who’s preparing to get creamed by another black man. Ciao, Mittens. It’s been swell.

Prepare yourselves, people. In what can only be described as a high-level political stunt, former Texas first lady Anita Perry tweeted Friday that she and her husband, former Governor “Oops” Perry, will make a juicy announcement in Dallas on June 4 in case anybody still gives a shit about him. (We’re guessing this has nothing to do where they’re eating lunch.)

While Mrs. Perry didn't really say what her husband hoped to announce, just about everybody speculates that he’s jumping into the 2016 GOP clown car in a second bid for the White House. Because only a complete idiot didn’t learn his lesson from last time. Perry hopes to expand his bullshit “Texas Miracle” to the rest of the country, including the following list of the Lone Star State’s unforgettable achievements: #1 in worker deaths; #1 in poverty-level jobs; #1 in carbon emissions; #1 in citizens without health insurance; 49th in school funding; dead last in high school graduations; and #1 in corporate tax breaks averaging $19 billion per year.
And if that’s not enough, Perry also: fought tirelessly to dismantle Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security; backed all legislation to restrict women’s reproductive rights; demonized LGBT Texans and worked to legalize discrimination; backed nullification of federal laws and advocated for secession; refused to let the federal government provide free health care for low-income Texans despite the highest rate of uninsured citizens in the country; and vetoed equal pay legislation for Texas women. Holy mother of crap.
And don’t forget ... Rick Perry is still under indictment on two felony counts for abuse of power! I wonder how he’ll run his campaign from a federal prison.

Let’s talking SHOPPING for a minute, okay? With two big household projects on the near horizon — refacing our kitchen cabinets and remodeling the master bathroom — I’ve got a short list of exciting and essential NEW SHIT TO BUY.

For the kitchen I just ordered seven big water hyacinth storage bins from The Container Store for the black Whitmor shelf unit I plan to buy from Amazon in the extremely near future. These bins are perfect for all the wonderful crap currently overloading our kitchen cabinets, including pickles, giardiniera and pasta sauce, low-carb jelly from New Zealand, Chef Boyardee mini ravioli in little microwaveable cups, Hormel canned tamales and other things. And because these shelves are so large and so sturdy I’ll also have room to store my bread machine, a blender and assorted glass canisters. I’ve also been shopping for a nice black leather sit-down bench — so I can hang out in the kitchen and wait for my soup to boil — and narrowed my choices down to the two that are pictured below.
As for our shower remodeling adventure in the master bathroom, while we wait for ReBath of Dallas to get our project materials in stock my only real shopping dilemma is what kind of new vanity stool to buy so I can sit and tweeze my eyebrows. (Stop laughing.) At the moment the two contenders appear below. They’re both 26 inches wide.

I was hoping to squeeze in a Putz of the Week (I’ve got a real doozy for you) but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow for that because Sam will be home from work in a couple of minutes and I have to pee. Thank you for reading this.

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