Tuesday, February 24, 2015

State legislatures are the farm teams for our stupid, dysfunctional Congress.

Happy Tuesday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters. Sam went to work today in a powerful display of weather defiance — FUCK YOU, ICE STORM! — and I’m here at home, holding down the proverbial fort. I’ve always been good at fort-holding-down, especially if it includes a large volume of food. In anticipation of who-knows what I placed an emergency order with Amazon Prime Pantry this morning for the additional essential provisions pictured here.
Unfortunately, my Coke Zero and Jif won’t get here in time for tomorrow’s huge weather event. The always-unprepared Dallas/Fort Worth metro area is expecting a TWO-INCH BLIZZARD WITH NO ROAD SALT OR SNOW PLOWS between 5 and 9 a.m., as illustrated below by local meteorologist Pete Delkus. The red star denotes Howdygram headquarters. (Pete Delkus is the doofus with his mouth open.)

And now ... I’m proud to announce the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award! This time we’re recognizing Michele Fiore, a Republican state Assemblywoman from Nevada who believes cancer is a fungus you can flush out with salt water ... so the dumbass has introduced a bill to provide this option to poor cancer patients who can’t afford REAL medical care, such as chemotherapy or commonly-prescribed drugs. 

Fiore, who has no medical training — or a college degree or any evidence of an education beyond eighth grade — stated Saturday on her radio program: “If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, we can put a pic line into your body and we’re flushing with, say, salt water, sodium [bicarbonate] through that line and flushing out the fungus. These are some procedures that are not FDA-approved in America that are very inexpensive and cost-effective.”

Please note that, according to the American Cancer Society, the argument that sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) can be used to flush cancer out of the body stems from the quack medicine practiced by an Italian doctor, Tullio Simoncini, whose license was revoked in 2003 when he was convicted of wrongful death and swindling. But definitely, let’s give his bullshit medicine a try here in America because we don’t already subject our poorest citizens to enough humiliation!

Then Fiore added, “Nevada is the capital of entertainment. Why not make it the medical capital of the world, too?”  

Wow ... what an ad campaign! Slot machines, hookers, pickpockets, 99¢ shrimp cocktails, quickie weddings, Elvis impersonators and now ... TRY YOUR LUCK AGAINST CANCER with our world-famous baking soda IVs!

Cancer patients worldwide suffering through chemotherapy and radiation treatments will sure feel like a bunch of losers when the geniuses in Nevada pass Fiore’s law approving treatment with 75¢ worth of Arm & Hammer baking soda. And when you're in remission you can use what's left to keep your refrigerator smelling fresh! Holy shit. 

In case you’ve forgotten, Michele Fiore is the same bimbo who accused federal officials last year of “inventing” the grazing fees that initiated all that hoo-hah with asshole rancher Cliven Bundy (remember him?) and she introduced another bill last week that would allow licensed gun owners to carry firearms on college campuses within the state, saying it would prevent “young, hot little girls on campus” from sexual assaults. Sure, providing you’re bigger and faster than your rapist and actually have access to your gun before he drugs you or knocks you unconscious with a lead pipe.

State legislatures are the farm teams for our stupid, dysfunctional Congress.

Yikes, it’s already 7:30 and I have to think about dinner RIGHT NOW. I’m leaning towards a repeat meal of Easy Cheesy Rice for Senior Citizens with Shitty Knees in a Pot [see recipe] because it tastes terrific, I have a lot of leftover pasta rice from last night and it’s REALLY FAST. Thank you for reading this.

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