Friday, February 13, 2015

John Wayne, the big all-American “he-man” icon who ran like a girl and never went to war.

I’m having some issues this morning with my knees and feet. No kidding, people, if I could figure out a way to shlep myself from room to room WITHOUT ACTUALLY WALKING I’d be the happiest old broad in Texas. For instance, right now I’d love to eat a nice toasted English muffin with cheese on it but I don’t think I can make it to the kitchen so I’ll just continue typing a lot of Howdygram crapola until lunch time. It’s 9:45 a.m.

To kill a little time I’d like to announce my picks for the shittiest and most overrated actors in the history of Hollywood. Don’t get me wrong ... all four of these individuals were extremely famous, made tons of movies and three even won Oscars. EXCEPT NONE OF THEM COULD ACT.
DIANE KEATON, the only one on this list who’s still living, has been playing the same nasal, monotone ditz in every movie since 1972, frequently with hats. Yes, she’s cute and wears nice clothes ... but that’s that’s the extent of her talent. Anybody remember her big confession scene with Al Pacino in The Godfather II where she’s shrieking, “It wasn’t a miscarriage, Michael, IT WAS AN ABORTION! I had an ABORTION, Michael! AN ABORTION!” When he backhanded her across the face I wanted to send him a thank you note.

TYRONE POWER got his start because he was very, very pretty and descended from a long line of renowned stage actors — all named Tyrone Power — dating back to 1795. Ty’s acting skills, unfortunately, were ATROCIOUS. Check him out sometime in The Eddy Duchin Story (1956) and The Long Gray Line (1955). Pew!

As for GARY COOPER, his movies are so painful I can’t even watch them. I think the worst of the lot are his obnoxious performances in The Adventures of Marco Polo (1938) with cardboard sets and Lana Turner as a Chinese concubine, and that God-awful Pride of the Yankees (1942), where we’re supposed to believe him as a bashful, giggling, gosh-mom, blinking 18-year-old mama’s boy even though he was already well into his 40s. Cooper’s movies pretty much make a person want to PUKE. While it’s easy to understand how he got his first big break in silent films — he was BEAUTIFUL! — as soon as Cooper opened his mouth to speak that first line somebody should have suggested trade school and put the rest of us out of our misery.

Last but not least is JOHN WAYNE, the big all-American “he-man” icon who ran like a girl and never went to war. During the first 10 years of Wayne’s career he made 52 putrid movies and B-westerns, leading one to believe he must have given somebody in Hollywood a lot of blow jobs because there’s no other explanation for why he never got fired. He was, however, not bad in The Searchers (1956), Red River (1948) and The Quiet Man (1952).

And now, thank God, it’s time for lunch! I think I’ll do something speedy because I’m tired and ready for my first nap of the day. Fortunately I’ve got leftovers. (I love leftovers.)

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