Thank God for our new Bissell carpet shampooer.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho! After a rather peculiar week I’m finally feeling upbeat enough to horse around with the Howdygram and tell y’all what’s been going on around here. I had a second appointment on Tuesday with my visiting nurse practitioner, Anthonia, and her trusty sidekick, Nora.

I thought it might be fun to order a few Wal-Mart store-brand products that I’ve never tried before. Seriously.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been almost a week since my last post … but I have an excuse, and a good one. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND IT HURTS TO SIT AT MY DESK. Guess I’m at that point in life when whining about my health is the only consistent theme of my blog. You’d better do your best to get used to this.

I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

Big day today, people! About an hour ago I took my first dose of Tramadol — an addictive prescription painkiller — that I’ll be taking alongside 10 mg of Hydrocodone every six hours. At the moment, though, I currently find myself juggling a variety of distinct side effects: 1) sore eyeballs; 2) mild nausea and belching; 3) a headache; and 4) an overpowering need to download a shitload of FREE FONTS. I’m not sure number four really has anything to do with prescription painkillers, however. I get excited about free fonts even when I’m not on drugs.

I’ve got some medical issues today. Also some Chef Boyardee mini ravioli.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday! Sam is napping in the family room and I’m at my desk in the study with a nice hot Hormel Compleats Chicken Breast & Gravy with Mashed Potatoes, one of my favorite meals for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. This is actually a tasty little entrée and only costs $1.98 from Wal-Mart. Holy shit, right?

I’ll never have to go to the doctor again. Let’s watch a Myrna Loy movie to celebrate!

It’s 10 a.m. on Monday morning … another sunny and unseasonably warm fall day with a forecast high temperature of 87°. If you don’t like to sweat please feel free to stay indoors and watch movies with a bag of crunchy things.

Happy anniversary to Sam and me.

Happy Sunday to you and yours! Today is a big hoo-hah at Howdygram headquarters for the following essential reasons. One, Hurricane Irma is giving Florida a blow job, and two, Sam and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary. (These two events are not entirely unrelated, by the way.) Sam and I were married 11 years ago today at an Al Capone-themed wedding chapel in Las Vegas followed by a lot of Chinese food. Stop laughing.

I wish I could do a back flip.

It’s really happening! I’m finally registered with Baylor Hospital’s “Housecalls” program ... visiting M.D.s and nurse practitioners who see you at home because you’re too fucking miserable to show up for a regular office visit like normal people. In my case, I’ve got a first appointment with a nurse practitioner confirmed for Monday. I wish I could do a back flip.

Wow. Baylor has a “Housecalls” program for shleppy old ladies just like me!

Hi-de-ho, guys! I’ve decided to be “smarter” about my posts from now on … writing a little less at one time with fewer paragraph subtitles so I can keep you updated on my health and ongoing situations here at Howdygram headquarters. When I’m not well I lose track of the days. For instance, I didn’t realize today was Wednesday until a couple of minutes ago and that my last post was on Sunday. I sincerely apologize for being such a screwball.

Hurricane Barbie and Ku Klux Ken attempt another failed do-over in Houston.

Good Sunday morning to you and yours! Believe it or not, I didn’t know today was Sunday until Sam confirmed it for me about an hour ago as he was on his way out to the door to Wal-Mart. When you’re retired the days of the week all start to look alike and run together. In our house the dialog goes something like this: