Wow. Baylor has a “Housecalls” program for shleppy old ladies just like me!

Hi-de-ho, guys! I’ve decided to be “smarter” about my posts from now on … writing a little less at one time with fewer paragraph subtitles so I can keep you updated on my health and ongoing situations here at Howdygram headquarters. When I’m not well I lose track of the days. For instance, I didn’t realize today was Wednesday until a couple of minutes ago and that my last post was on Sunday. I sincerely apologize for being such a screwball.

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I can probably explain everything with a well-written Kvetch Report, so grab yourself an iced tea and get comfortable.

I was quite ill during the last week of August with a urinary tract infection. My symptoms included a persistent fever, body aches, magnified joint pain, long naps and frequent pishing. My doctor insisted I need to “be seen,” but adorable Sam simply showed up at Dr. K’s office all by himself to tell her nurse I can’t come in on short notice because my transportation — Mesquite’s senior citizen transit bus with a wheelchair elevator — requires a two-week advance reservation. (Yes, I know; it sucks.) Fortunately, Dr. K broke with protocol and wrote a prescription for an antibiotic,. After three days I started to feel human again.

My personal situation (being sick without transportation) led me to write Dr. K an email at the start of Labor Day weekend to ask if there are any other options when I need quick medical care but can’t come in to see her. She responded with an email about Baylor’s “Housecalls” program … doctors and nurse practitioners who make home visits when patients can’t get out of the house any more for a routine checkup or to be seen when they’re sick. Such as moi … FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS!

Apparently “screening” is already underway because two different people from Baylor’s Housecalls program called me on Labor Day to ask routine questions — apparently I qualify for the program, thank God! — and move me up on the list to be seen monthly by a visiting nurse practitioner, who can prescribe meds, approve refills and refer me to an M.D. as needed. This is FUCKING FANTASTIC, people, and exactly what I need.

I cancelled today’s 10 a.m. office visit with Dr. K due to all of the above, which led her to respond (in an email) by telling me she can’t refill my Norco prescriptions unless I come into the office … which was a real “WTF moment” because Dr. K already knows I’m housebound!

Jesus, what’s wrong with people?! No, Dr. K, I can’t come in to “be seen” by you. We’ve already determined that I can’t leave the house … so if I’m unable to show up at your office for my insulin refills, I’m also unable to show up for my opioid refills! JUST FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY AND HELP ME!

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I’m done and it’s time for a nap. Thank you for reading this ... and please do your best to remember the Alamo.