The Howdygram 2: I thought it might be fun to order a few Wal-Mart store-brand products that I’ve never tried before. Seriously.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been almost a week since my last post … but I have an excuse, and a good one. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND IT HURTS TO SIT AT MY DESK. Guess I’m at that point in life when whining about my health is the only consistent theme of my blog. You’d better do your best to get used to this.

So here’s what’s going on. For the last several days I’ve been dealing with: 1) another urinary tract infection; 2) another bleeding blister on the bottom of my left heel; 3) screaming neuropathy pain in the baby toe of my left foot; 4) burning skin on the back of my left thigh; 5) hideously shitty arthritic kneecaps; 6) intermittent “electrical shocks” in my right foot; and 7) tremors that make it difficult to speak, hold anything in my left hand, enter numbers into my iPhone or type. Items 2 through 6 are causing me so much grief that I spend most of my life lying down on the chaise in the family room when I’d much rather write the Howdygram or design fabulous crap for my store on Zazzle.com.

As always, free fonts are my respite from the storms of old age ... and today’s offering is a real beaut! I’ve got all kinds of terrific hand-lettered display fonts for you — my favorites are “Lorem Serif,” “Wild” and “Fluffy” — and some versatile scripts in a variety of styles, such as “North Blues” and “Sunshine.” You should also sheck out “Stake Through the Heart” to help you get ready for Halloween. I’ll include download links after the graphic so you can add some or all of these to your private collection.

Big Sur, Colorado, Lorem Serif & Wild • Fluffy • Bigunna Duo • Venture • Loveya

Country Chick & North Blues • Popular • Grimoire • Sunshine • Guatemala • Dianna

Stake Through the Heart • My Little Scandinavia

I’m showing off my colorful new collection of high resolution “Urban Jungle” background patterns … free from Creative Market, and they’re seamless, too!

TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING. Just in case you’re not familiar with the term, “seamless” means you can tile the image in any direction to make a gigantic background as big as a Land Rover. And all these “Urban Jungle” files are available in Adobe Illustrator format so a person can change the colors if a person wants to. Or not.

To keep myself amused and well-fed between William Powell movies and appointments with my visiting nurse practitioner I thought it might be fun to order a few Wal-Mart store-brand products that I’ve never tried before. On Friday we received a box that included: 1) two Sam’s Choice Italia meal kits, i.e. Spaghetti with Pesto Sauce and Penne Pasta with Mushroom Sauce; 2) Great Value creamy peanut butter; and 3) two kinds of Sam’s Choice slow-cooked soups in 15½-ounce tubs. For my first order I decided to try Italian Sausage & Tortellini and Braised Beef & Mushrooms.

I had the Italian Sausage & Tortellini Soup today for lunch yesterday, and I have to tell you this was probably the number one best goddamn soup I’ve ever had, and that even includes my own homemade soup (back in the day!) and anything from a restaurant! It’s a thick tomato-based stock with perfect veggies (even spinach!), tortellini pasta and a ton of spicy crumbled Italian sausage. This stuff is absolutely AMAZING and I’ve already ordered another half-dozen tubs to keep in the pantry. Woo-hoo!

Tomorrow I’ll ask Sam to make the Spaghetti with Pesto Sauce for me since I can no longer stand up in the kitchen to cook things any more. Preparation sounds like a no-brainer … boil 1⅔ cups of water in a microwave-safe bowl, throw in the contents of the box and nuke for eight minutes. All the water gets absorbed by the sauce and spaghetti so you don’t even have to drain anything. You can also make this on the stovetop if you’re into washing a pot.

You might also be interested in a few other new goodies at Howdygram headquarters! First, we’re now the proud owners of a Bissell PowerLifter PowerBrush Upright Deep Carpet Cleaner, which will help with an ongoing need around here now that I’m a senior citizen with a failing bladder. (I’m sorry if that’s too much information. Deal with it, okay?) We ordered our Bissell from Amazon at a great price with free same-day delivery and a bottle of Bissell shampoo concentrate.

We also bought ourselves a Moen ⅓-horsepower garbage disposer from Amazon and arranged for installation, which is scheduled for later today between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. Our old disposer had been conking out slowly for the last couple of years. We can’t wait to start grinding our garbage at full-power again!

And last but not least ... I ordered a nice rotating brown leather remote control caddy for the side table next to the chaise in the family room. I’m hoping I’ll find this thing more convenient than the caddy I’ve got now, which is too small and doesn’t spin. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

Last week Zazzle awarded The Howdygram Store with its coveted “Z-Pro” designation, which means my sales are soaring and I’m officially a big shot now. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. I can use the Z-Pro logo on my products and promotional materials and I can brag until my friends are ready to puke.

I wish I felt well enough to sit up all night working on my new line of holiday greeting cards and some adorable baby shower guest book designs, but I don’t think I can do it becuase my left heel is bleeding again and my foot is glued to the memory foam mat under my desk. In the meantime, however, here’s one of my baby shower guest books for your possible interest. Tomorrow I want to develop some compatible party products, such as paper coasters, paper cups, napkins and invitations. This isn’t exactly as easy as you might think, because every product on Zazzle’s website requires a lot of trial-and-error until you get the dimensions and proportions of your design just right.