I’ll be glad to show you a substantial puddle in the front foyer that I created unexpectedly about half an hour ago.

It’s the crack of 3 a.m. and I woke up from my after-dinner nap about 45 minutes ago. I’m still tired and I’m having a very hard time keeping my eyes open, but most of the problem might be that I’m running a THREE-DEGREE FEVER — it’s 99.8°; “normal” for me is 97° — with body aches, stiff knees, chills and, once again, ZERO BLADDER CONTROL. If you don’t believe me I’ll be glad to show you a substantial puddle in the front foyer that I created unexpectedly about half an hour ago.

I am very depressed right now. IT SUCKS TO GET OLD. (It also sucks to have diabetic neuropathy, which is why I have these bladder issues.)

Sam got to watch President Obama’s motorcade when he arrived in Dallas yesterday morning. Apparently he had a bird’s-eye view of the whole hoo-hah from a window in his company’s conference room on the 14th floor. President Obama was heading to an interfaith funeral service held at the Myerson Symphony Center. In case you’re not familiar with Dallas it’s my pleasure to provide the following map of our chic “uptown” neighborhood so you can see what’s what: A) the Myerson Symphony Center; and B) Sam’s office at Crescent Court, which is about four blocks away. Other ritzy points-of-interest in the immediate vicinity include the five-star Hotel Crescent Court, the Dallas Museum of Art, the Winspear Opera House, the Perot Museum of Nature and Science, a herd of snooty restaurants and, for the shoppers among you, we’ve got Stanley Korshak, overpriced cupcake bakeries and designer shoe salons.

For your possible interest, here’s where Sam works. Stanley Korshak is at street level in front.

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I’ll have to run through the next couple of sections as quickly as possible due to being goddamn sleepy I’m tipping over. The only thing that’s saving me right now is a bag of pretzel rods on my desk. When I land on the bag the noise wakes me up. 

With “Jamie Woods” the only exception, the following LOVELY FREE FONTS are all from the greeting card professionals at Hallmark! Oh boy, right? At the moment I can’t find my list of download links so just send me an email if you want any of these for yourself. Thank you.

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In addition to fonts I’ve also been downloading free digital background textures and “papers” plus a collection of interesting little anime cartoons from a Japanese designer for my children’s lunch box designs for The Howdygram Store. These little characters would also be adorable on greeting cards. (I’m getting excited here.)

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It’s been barely a month since the Supreme Court told Texas we have to stop making up stupid laws to restrict or forbid abortion access, but the hateful pro-life slobs — i.e., Republicans — in our state government refuse to take NO for an answer! Since they can’t close down the clinics they’re passing a law to require FETUS FUNERALS, because apparently men believe that women who choose to terminate a pregnancy during an early “clump of cells” stage should be forced to mourn the death of a family member that was never born and fork over money they probably haven’t got to pay for a bullshit funeral. The Texas Y’all Qaeda strikes again!
“Governor Abbott believes human and fetal remains should not be treated like medical waste, and the proposed rule changes affirms the value and dignity of all life,” read a statement from his office. However it’s obvious that Greg Abbott — and his disgusting lieutenant governor  — don’t believe in the dignity of Texas women or they’d stop preventing us from making medical decisions for our own bodies! YOU SHITHEADS!

I need sleep and I need it NOW. Thank you for reading this and please do your best to remember the Alamo.