The Howdygram 2: Sam has a meeting today with the hospice chaplain. No, his name isn’t “Charlie.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Sam has a meeting today with the hospice chaplain. No, his name isn’t “Charlie.”

Hello, shalom and who’s-your-mama from the screwballs at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 4:20 p.m. on a hot and sticky Monday afternoon here in north Texas — a steamy 95° last time I checked — and we’re finally through with our scheduled hospice visitors until tomorrow. This morning I saw my C.N.A. (for bathing and hygiene) at 11 and then my R.N. (to check my vital signs and the wounds on my legs) about an hour ago. Tomorrow Sam and I have an appointment at 11 with my hospice social worker, Theresa, to finalize the logistics for our mid-September “respite hoo-hah” … which is actually my five-day stay at The Villages of Lake Highlands nursing home in Dallas. (Only 18 days to go. Oy.) And last but not least, tomorrow at 4 p.m. Sam will meet with the hospice chaplain — no, his name isn’t “Charlie” — to talk about whatever subjects they usually talk about. They always sit in the living room and I can’t hear them. I’ve tried. (Stop laughing.)

The Villages at Lake Highlands skilled nursing facility in Dallas.

It’s almost midnight now, Sam’s in bed and I’m lying on the chaise in the family room with my MacBook perched on my stomach. It’s comfortable, comforting and thoroughly productive. It’s probably even cute. (Okay, maybe not.) While I wait for my laptop to run out of “juice” I thought I’d subtitle my various and sundry thoughts in BRIGHT RED TYPE to keep you (and yours truly) from falling asleep by accident. Thank you.

Next time Sam wakes up, which should be sometime within the next two hours, I’ll ask him to heat up A BEDTIME SNACK for me because I’ve been craving — of all things — vegetables. I believe we’ve got a can or two of Glory Seasoned Country-Style String Beans with Potatoes (pictured below) that I ordered a couple of weeks ago from Wal-Mart. I also wouldn’t mind: 1) a can of pickled beets with sour cream; 2) a can of Ro-Tel spicy diced tomatoes with jalapeño peppers; or 3) Del Monte canned zucchini with Italian style tomato sauce. (I don’t think we have any more canned zucchini in the pantry. I ordered half a dozen cans online today from Wal-Mart.)

Glory’s Seasoned Country-Style String Beans with Potatoes. They’re actually above average.

I LOST ALL FUNCTIONALITY WITH WAL-MART’S WEBSITE. About a week and a half ago Wal-Mart overhauled nearly everything on their website and I immediately lost functionality with their shopping cart and my member account features, probably because I’ve got an older Mac OS (and an older version of Safari) installed on my MacBook. Sam, who’s the resident Mister Fix-It here, suggested why haven’t I tried a different browser, so today, finally, I decided to bite the bullet, downloaded Firefox, and just like magic — BLAMMO! — Wal-Mart’s website is working for me again! Hot damn! SAM IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!

I ordered myself some GUMMY FIBER WHATNOTS today … you know, to help with “regularity” from now on. I’m not sure what’s missing from my diet, but I think this should take care of it. All I need are two little chewy gummy turds a day! Woo-hoo!