Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Sam and I are pulling an “all-nighter” tonight … and I can’t wait to tell you why.

TUESDAY, 8/7/2018, 11:39 A.M. Here’s wishing a happy, happy Tuesday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I are relaxing here in the family room with Popsicles and The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. It’s a lovely, lazy summer day here in Texas, and in case you’re wondering … RETIREMENT IS FUCKING FABULOUS.

We enjoyed an unexpected and heretofore unscheduled visit from my hospice R.N. (Stella) this morning. The doctor asked her to stop by to collect a urine sample (and test it right here, on site) to find out if I’ve still got the UTI that’s been plaguing me for the last week and a half. The answer? Yup … still got it! As a matter of fact, Stella said the test result was “very, very positive,” so she texted the information to the hospice M.D. and then phoned in his prescription to their pharmacy. I’ll be taking Bactrim for the next seven days, and the pharmacy will deliver it tonight between 6 and 8 p.m.

FYI, this is the fourth UTI I’ve had since I was hospitalized at the end of May (and the fourth since I’ve been under hospice care). I’ve probably had at least ten since the first of the year. I can’t get rid of these goddamn things! Fortunately, I don’t seem to run high fevers any more. High fevers usually made me so unbelievably sick (delirium, uncontrollable urination, chills, body aches) that Sam would have to call 911 to send me to the hospital via ambulance. Since the uncontrollable urination aspect of this isn’t an issue any more (I’m catheterized), and the fact that I haven’t had a high fever means I also don’t haven’t had to deal with delirium, chills, body aches and so forth.

I’ve had a number of thrilling experiences today, and I’d like to share them with you if I may! Thank you!

WE RECEIVED A HUGE ORDER FROM WAL-MART. This contains any number of exciting products, including: 1) Wal-Mart’s store brand extra strong two-ply toilet paper, which is cheaper and better than Charmin; 2) Campbell’s canned Chicken Gravy; 3) Glory canned Cream Style Skillet Corn; 4) Glory canned Southern Style Seasoned Green Beans and Nice Potatoes; 5) Glory canned Sweet Potato Casserole; 6) Bush’s Homestyle Baked Beans; 7) Great Value sugar-free Cherry Drink Mix; 8)  Green Giant Whole Mushrooms; and 9) Stove Top Chicken Stuffing.

WE ORDERED A PIZZA FOR DINNER. This was a very big deal for me, as I initially had been considering Great Value frozen fish fillets. I’M ALREADY ASSEMBLING ANOTHER NEW WAL-MART ORDER. There’s no great trick to this. I just load items into my online “shopping cart” for a few days until I hit the $35 minimum for free shipping. (Easy to do. Trust me.) The items currently in my cart are: 1) Chef Boyardee Chili Mac; 2) Chef Boyardee Spaghetti Rings with Fetal Meatballs; 3) Heinz Cocktail Sauce; 4) Pop Ice Tropical Fruit Flavored Freezer Pops. Another $17.68 until I qualify for FREE SHIPPING. Woo-hoo!

And now I’d like to share a Marks family secret with y’all ...

SAM’S GENIUS MOSQUITO BITE HACK. In case you ever have mosquito bites that are driving you (or a loved one) insane, Sam has the genius hack of a lifetime to share with you. And it works! STEP #1. You need a plastic basin half-filled with very hot water, a washcloth and a bar of Irish Spring soap. STEP #2. Wet the washcloth and drape it over the part of your body that has the mosquito bites. Let it “soak” there for a minute or two. STEP #3. Remove the washcloth and soap up your hands with Irish Spring. STEP #4. Shmear soap all over the mosquito bites. STEP #5. Wring out the washcloth and wash off the soap. STEP #6. Repeat steps 2 through 5.

Sam says you get the best results if you treat the mosquito bites as soon as possible. Also, if you don’t want to use the six steps listed above you can just get directly into a hot shower. Sam had to treat the front of my left leg today, and it worked so well that I asked his permission to include the secret formula in the Howdygram, and he agreed. Thank you, Sam!

WEDNESDAY, 8/8/2018, 1:53 A.M. Sam and I are pulling an “all-nighter” tonight … and I can’t wait to tell you why. Due to some disturbing medical issues — i.e., the Crappy Catheter Incident — I didn’t feel much like getting up from the chaise lounge on Tuesday out of fear that I’d be responsible for dislodging the catheter  tubing again. I didn’t have to worry, however, because the goddamn catheter fell apart anyway! Unfortunately I didn’t discover the situation until midnight, when Sam woke up from a late-night nap and I told him that I felt “damp.” Sam checked on my catheter, which had already fallen apart … exactly like the night before. As a matter of fact, the catheter tube must have been disconnected for hours, judging from how soaked I was. Sam called the hospice emergency number and talked to the administrator (Bea). Apparently there were no additional catheters in stock, so Bea said we’d have to resort to Plan B until morning — lying on wee-wee-pads — which is unacceptable, uncomfortable and really, really stupid.

Therefore Sam and I will be awake for the rest of the night, pulling an “all-nighter” that we didn’t expect and definitely didn’t want ... and changing wee-wee pads every two hours. When the hospice finally sends an R.N. later today to replace my catheter I’m going to insist that they give us a spare kit for a nurse to use in emergencies. I can’t believe they didn't have an extra catheter kit on hand when Sam called. HOLY CRAP!

WEDNESDAY, 5:16 A.M. Thank God for Popsicles, that’s all I have to say. I’ve been living on the damn things! My hospice R.N. (Stella) wants me to drink as much liquid as I can to help prevent future urinary tract infections, so in this case Popsicles would have a medicinal quality to them, and I probably eat six to eight of them a day. Sam buys me the sugar-free Tropical Fruit flavors, and they’re to-die-for. (The orange ones are supposedly a fruit punch blend, but I think they taste like Pink Grapefruit!) I also order the Pop Ice Tropical flavors — 80 to a box — online from Wal-Mart. These are fascinating and include flavors like lime, blue raspbery, banana, pineapple, mango, and blueberry. WOW, right?

WEDNESDAY, 10:39 A.M. We’re having a busy morning. Letitia (my hospice C.N.A.) was here at 10 a.m. sharp for bathing, powdering and general hygiene, and now we’re waiting for a hospice R.N. named Julia to change my catheter. She’ll be here between 11 and 11:30. Soon.

WEDNESDAY, 2:03 P.M. My brain is fried, and I think I’ve been through enough fucking trauma over the last couple of days to choke a horse. Although Julia showed up on time to change my catheter — Jesus, what an ordeal! — I’m presently seated on the bench with my computer workstation in front of me. Unfortunately, I’ve only been seated here for about 15 minutes but I’m already extremely uncomfortable. I’d even qualify this as serious pain. So I told Sam I’d publish this post, shut down my iMac and go back to the chaise to grab some sleep. (I was up all night, remember?)

Thank you for reading this, and please do your best to stay healthy, okay? The alternative ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.

No comments: