Friday, April 13, 2018

It’s been almost 11 years since I quit smoking. Holy crap.

Yo, people! We’re having a seriously overcast Friday evening here in north Texas following a seriously overcast Friday afternoon, and we even had a couple of TORNADO WATCHES today — Auntie Em! Auntie Em! — but no actual TWISTERS. At the moment (8 p.m.) I have no idea if there are still any “watches” or “warnings,” nor do I give any fucks whatsoever, because Sam and I are cuddled up with a couple of good movies — Dodge City (1939) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland and Hollywoodland (2006) starring Ben Affleck and Adrien Brody — and a package of sugar-free Murray Pecan Shortbread cookies.

Fine cookies for noshing with Sam on a Friday night.

I think this might be a fine time for another episode of Let’s Learn Yiddish! Oy gevalt is an exclamation of shock or fear. Oy vey is an exclamation of woe or negativity. Oysgeputst means dressed up, flamboyantly dressed, over-embellished. Pareve means containing neither milk nor meat. A pisher is a nobody or an inexperienced person. To plotz is to burst or explode emotionally in aggravation. To potch is to slap, spank or smack. A putz is an idiot, a jerk or a penis.

I want to announce that it’s almost been ELEVEN YEARS SINCE I QUIT SMOKING. This is a huge deal for me, everybody. Eleven years! I quit when we were still living in California and arranging for a deposit on our house in Texas. I knew I never ever wanted to smoke inside Howdygram headquarters — it was brand new, pristine and incomparably gorgeous — so I threw my last pack of More Menthol cigarettes into the trash and never lit another one. After 42 years. Holy crap, right?

I think I hear thunder … although it might be on TV. I honestly can’t tell any more. So maybe I should just sign off, publish my Howdygram post and go to bed already. Thank you for reading this and thank you for understanding that I’m a whacked-out senior citizen.

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