Saturday, December 5, 2015

You can never have too many cold meat forks!

I frequently whine about my pain issues in the Howdygram. It’s unavoidable; there are days when pain completely takes over my life and I can’t focus on anything else except once in a while Cheetos. Last night, however, my misery hit a repulsive new “high” and included all of the following shit: 1) plantar fasciitis in both heels made it fucking impossible to stand up; 2) stabbing pain in both knees; 3) an ache in my right hip; 4) broken and bleeding skin (from pressure ulcers) on the back of both thighs; 5) difficulty breathing; 6) watery eyes; 7) a cramp in my right shoulder and upper arm; and 8) intestinal difficulties bordering on a nuclear holocaust. As a result this was my official Shit-O-Meter reading when I dragged myself to bed last night at 11:30. (Regular Howdygram readers will know that was unusually early for me but I was too damn miserable to stay awake.)
At the moment it’s 4:45 a.m. and I woke up about 20 minutes ago for my routine middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure. I figured as long as I’m wide awake I’ll throw in a dose of Norco, open a can of diet ginger ale and nuke myself a tasty Idahoan instant mashed potato cup just for the hell of it. I’m feeling better! FINALLY!

Show of hands. Anybody remember back on October 11 [see post] when I bought a beautiful new set of 18/10 Mikasa flatware from Kohl’s? Let me tell you something, people — IT’S ALREADY RUSTING! — and this is the third set of high-quality 18/10 flatware we’ve had to dump in six months because EVERYTHING IS MANUFACTURED LIKE CRAP and companies are lying about the quality. Overstock, for instance, is representing 18/0 flatware as 18/10 on its website and you don’t know you’ve been deceived until you get it home and read the fine print engraved on the knife blades, providing you’ve got a magnifying glass strong enough to read four-point type. (This actually happened, and an Einstein in Overstock’s customer service department wanted to make me pay for return shipping!)

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? When I was growing up my mother had one set of ordinary flatware in her kitchen for at least three decades and we never saw a rust spot on ANYTHING. And when I was first married in the early 1970s I had a set of stainless steel flatware from Crate and Barrel that still looked like new 18 years later. Today you can’t find flatware that holds up to eight stinking cycles in a dishwasher without stains and blotches on the knife blades and spoon handles. My new Mikasa flatware is already gross after less than two months! I talked to Kohl’s customer service hot line and we’ll be returning our flatware to the closest store (on the I-635 service road) here in Mesquite as soon as we receive another new set that I ordered last night, a service for 12 from Amazon with a bunch of ritzy included serving pieces. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY COLD MEAT FORKS!
Please hold a good thought and wish us godspeed, glorioski and good luck. Thank you.

This is why it’s nice to live in Texas in December. Nothing else needs to be said.

You’re in luck! Here’s your big chance to impress the family and get 10% off on a roomful of weird and ugly shit just in time for Christmas! Included in Hayneedle’s room décor offer are bozo-colored candlesticks, mismatched furniture, wrinkled window shades, a fur-covered dining bench, elegant plastic goblets, throw pillows from hell and an overpriced must-have red zigzag area rug to complete this desperately ridiculous “shabby chic” look. Meh.

From the brilliant minds at Gawker media, thought y’all might enjoy the following video clips of right-wing asshole Senator Ted Turd Cruz (R-TX) attempting to film candid moments with his family for a campaign commercial. The results are awkward and embarrassing ... and I hope you’ll enjoy this as much as I did!

Thank you for reading this. I’m going back to bed now AND DON’T TRY TO STOP ME!

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