A knee-slapping Christmas video from the goofballs at Sooshi Mango.

Hi. It’s me again, perky, well-rested and nestled at my desk at 5:25 in the afternoon surrounded by all of my favorite things ... the Howdygram, diet ginger ale, lots of kleenex and a bottle of prescription painkillers. It just doesn’t get much better than this, does it?

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On Christmas Eve an asshole from Oklahoma was caught and arrested after surveillance video showed him fucking a goat.

KOKH reported that Oklahoma City police were notified at around 10 p.m. on December 24 that 53-year-old Darryl Gene Scoggin was seen on video “with his pants around his ankles and holding a goat down.” Scoggin was “obviously having sexual intercourse with the goat,” police were told by the witness, who had captured the suspect at gunpoint. And the witness said that it was not the first time his goats had been molested.  

 

Scoggin was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty. Police said they recovered Scoggin’s jacket and a bottle of Vodka after searching the goat pen.

To hell with that surveillance video ... I personally think the police are assuming a lot here. At least Scoggin didn’t show up empty-handed (he brought vodka) and how can they be sure the goat didn’t initiate the relationship? After all, this is Oklahoma. The goats in Oklahoma are notorious sluts.

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Know what? If I could give Hormel Sandwich Makers Meatballs a six-chopper rating, I would do it in a heartbeat ... and for two reasons. First, I love the shelf-stable, no-refrigeration-needed packaging, and second, you get eight substantial meatballs in a VERY tasty red sauce that heats up in only 60 seconds. While most people might use them to make sandwiches on a nice crusty roll, I ate mine with a plastic teaspoon right out of its microwave tray here at my desk alongside an Idahoan Buttery Homestyle Mashed Potato Cup, occasionally allowing the red sauce to drizzle into the taters. Twice I even tossed in a meatball! The Howdygram is pleased to award Hormel Sandwich Makers Meatballs with its coveted five-chopper rating.

This is another perfect product for senior citizens with mobility issues who can’t stand up to cook things for themselves any more. In my case I can’t slice or dice, I can’t stir a pot, I can’t cut a sandwich in half and I can’t even operate the microwave in the kitchen because removing hot food requires using both hands and I’d fall on my goddamned face if I ever let go of my cane. Therefore a few weeks ago I bought a small 700-watt microwave for the study that sits on my desk next to our Epson printer. I love my life.

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Thought y’all might get a kick out of this knee-slapping Christmas video from Sooshi Mango with an exciting international twist. Enjoy!

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And finally, here’s a pictoral overview of Jeb Bush’s hopeless campaign to be the GOP presidential nominee.

As everybody probably knows by now, Jeb Bush is NOT a guy who can “fix it” or he wouldn’t be circling the drain in the polls with Donald Trump as frontrunner. Jeb can’t pull off a trademarked exclamation point at the end of his name and he’s not the tough guy in any situation ever. So far Bush has only been able to define himself in opposition to his family and the attributes of other people, such as: “I’m not my father or my brother. I’m my own man.” This is the equivalent of a 12-year-old shouting: “You’re not the boss of me!”

Jeb Bush is basically a big, stupid slob running a sad campaign for the White House. Let’s put him out of his misery already and introduce him to George Zimmerman. (Jeb is dressed for it.)