Thursday, December 17, 2015

A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

To be perfectly honest with you I wasn’t planning to write a Howdygram post today because I’ve been a sloth since 11 a.m. and haven’t felt much like doing anything except sleep, design a belated birthday card for my brother-in-law David and eat things. Now that I’ve accomplished all three goals with astounding success I figure why not give typing a shot as well, so here I am. A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

I’ll begin with our latest Putz of the Week, this time honoring Texas’ Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller, a right-wing asshole of the first degree who apparently takes the Republicans’ imaginary “war on Christmas” a little too seriously. On his Facebook page today Miller posted the following statement: “If one more person says Happy Holidays to me I just might slap them. Either tell me Merry Christmas or just don’t say anything.”
Here’s a screen shot of the actual post:
You can probably imagine the reaction as soon as Miller’s arrogant bullshit hit the Internet. In addition to 7,000 “likes” from goons who seriously believe this kind of crap, Sid’s Facebook page has been flooded with comments from everywhere wishing him “Happy Holidays,” “Happy Festivus,” “Happy Hanukkah” as well as a vast number of fuck yous, go suck a Bibles, drop deads and this is why I’m so embarrassed to live in Texas. If you’d like to join the festivities please click the link below and add a rude comment of your choosing to Sid Miller’s Facebook page. One possible suggestion: “Merry Christmas to you and the most miserable fucking New Year you could possibly have.”

Yum! Tonight I’d like to review Hormel Compleats Chicken & Dumplings, a tasty little entree for hungry handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things for themselves. Compleats come in handy shelf-stable microwaveable plastic trays that you can nuke in 90 seconds. Now that I’ve got a teeny 700-watt microwave here in the study — plus plastic utensils and napkins — I can heat up my own dinner when Sam is at work. This is a big fucking deal, believe me.

Compleats Chicken & Dumplings is one of my new favorites. It’s nicely seasoned, there’s a substantial amount of chicken, the dumplings are cute as hell and I love the sauce so much I decided to eat this entree with a spoon. It gets the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating.

I would continue writing except it’s already 9:50 p.m. and a number of physical complaints are beginning to creep in. These include: 1) those miserable goddamn bleeding pressure ulcers on the back of both thighs; 2) a stiff neck; 3) a headache; 4) I have to pee; and 5) I can’t think of anything else ... but items 1 through 4 are more than enough. Therefore I think I’ll migrate into the family room now, stretch out on the chaise and watch tonight’s episode of “Top Chef” until Sam gets home from work. Thank you for dropping in ... and HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE HOWDYGRAM.

No comments: