Monday, September 21, 2015

News from Clots “R” Us, Howdygram headquarters’ do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

Oy. Happy Monday, everybody, from hot and sticky Texas. I just woke up abruptly from an after-lunch nap and I’m not feeling so good in any way whatsoever. Maybe I should put together a comprehensive whine list so you’ll know what the fuck is going on around here.

  1. At 2:45 p.m. I woke up on the chaise in the middle of an intense TRIPLE-WHAMMY HYPOGLYCEMIC HOO-HAH, the kind where you have to pee, you’re almost blacking out and you need a large volume of glucose tablets all at the same time. In order to solve all three problems you haul ass to the bathroom as fast as you can screaming, “SHIT! SHIT! I’M GOING DOWN!” on the top of your lungs. This can be very scary but at least it gets you to your destination with a lot of fanfare, and if anybody else is home they get out of your way FAST. For the record, hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) makes you feel clammy, shaky, nauseated and terrified. I also get double vision.
  2. My left heel hurts like I’m walking on broken glass.
  3. I’m really hungry because I didn’t eat enough for lunch. (This also explains item number one.)
  4. My goddamn mouse is acting weird again so I’m using a mobility scooter catalog instead of a mouse pad.
  5. Only five more days until Sam leaves for California and I’m pissed.
  6. I can’t think of anything else.

News flash. It may be September on the calendar but we haven’t seen any signs of autumn here! It’s still hot as hell and there hasn’t been any measurable precipitation for MONTHS. Check out this week’s forecast:
Our only chance of rain for the next 10 days is that lame 20% bullshit on September 25. This is both depressing and expensive, because the City of Mesquite — along with the rest of Dallas’ suburbs — just jacked-up the water rates even though everybody’s using less due to we’ve been in a stage four drought for SIX FUCKING YEARS.

Words to live by: If you’re in the Great Lakes area NEVER TAKE YOUR CHEAP FRESH WATER FOR GRANTED. Thank you.

Everybody haul ass over to HSN today for nice deals on bullshit jewelry by psychopath designers Heidi Daus and Nicky Butler featuring fake metal, fake crystals, fake stones and stupid pieces such as an on trend sparkly spider brooch for $90 just in time for Halloween. Two important questions: 1) who the fuck still wears brooches; and 2) is he wearing a mask or does Nicky Butler really look like that?!

Breaking news from the Republican clown car! In a true What-The-Fuck moment, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced earlier today that he’s dropping out of the 2016 presidential race and urged the other Republican candidates to do the same to stop the party’s frontrunner, Donald Trump.

Speaking to the press from Madison, Wisconsin, Walker said that Republicans had to get back to the basics of their party, belief that a strong military leads to peace and belief in the American people. Then took a thinly-veiled swipe at Trump, whose campaign slogan is “Make America Great Again.”
“Today, I believe I’m being called to lead by helping to clear the field in this race so that a positive, conservative message can rise to the top,” Walker said. “With this in mind, I will suspend my campaign immediately.”

So let me get this straight, governor. You convince everybody except Trump to drop out, but how exactly does that STOP him? Is this The Onion? This is The Onion, right?

If Scott Walker is called to lead by quitting the race he originally felt called to enter, why is he now calling for others who heard the same call to heed his call to quit? Leadership! And just for the record, this stupid “I am being called to lead by quitting” strategy would make Sarah Palin the Grand Poobah of the fucking solar system.

Time for a monthly update from Howdygram headquarters’ Clots “R” Us do-it-yourself blood clot clinic! In case you’re new around here, I’m a heart patient who takes Coumadin, a blood thinner, to prevent having a stroke, and once a month I’m supposed to show up at Dr. M’s lab for a PT/INR fingerstick blood test that indicates the clotting speed of my blood. (Because clotting speed is apparently a big fucking deal.)

Fortunately, many months ago Sam and I invested in a fancy-ass CoaguChek XS meter so I can do this fingerstick test at home and not make him shove me all over the Baylor Family Health Center in a bariatric wheelchair when we could be in the family room watching The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) starring Michael Rennie, Gunga Din and Aunt Bee.

My clotting speed readout today was 2.2. Once again, I am perfect.

No comments: