Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Our governor thinks President Obama is concocting an armed invasion of Texas.

I’ve got a jam-packed Howdygram post planned for you this afternoon. I am adequately hydrated with a nice tall Marcytini and hope to duck out about an hour from now to frost a few slices of Wal-Mart’s tasty sugar-free lemon pound cake, my new favorite splurge dessert for handicapped senior citizens with diabetes who can’t bake cupcakes. I’ve got two tubs of Pillsbury sugar-free chocolate fudge frosting. If you don’t want to horse around smearing it on cake you could actually just eat this shit right out of the can. Thank you.

I would like to share with y’all the joy of living in Texas as a tiny blue dot on a map that’s SOLID RED. This means Sam and I are vastly outnumbered by the lunatic right-wing fringe, conspiracy theorists, Bible-beaters, gun-humpers, anti-immigration gay-bashing “patriots” and VERY STUPID PEOPLE. All that aside, however, the Dallas metro area is a pleasant place to live with great shopping.
Very stupid Texan #1 is DR. RICH KENT, a frothing Aryan Nation fuckwit who falls into the lunatic fringe category outlined in the previous paragraph. Kent started a campaign to raise a million dollars because: “America needs a doctor, and I am him. I will cut this cancer out of America personally.” And what is this cancer of which he speaks? Al Sharpton, the Black Panthers, Baltimore, Ferguson, and anyone else who engages in “this race-baiting, crap nonsense that’s been going on.” And he only needs a million bucks from “red-blooded Americans” before this cancer spreads to McKinney, Texas, where one innocent white cop, who deserves a medal, had to shove a couple of black teenagers at a pool party for posing a clear and imminent threat in their bathing suits.
Kent explains his campaign on as follows:

“Here it goes, America. The time is now. In McKinney, Texas, Al Sharpton has brought in the Black Panthers, and they’re pulling this crap: If we can’t swim, you can’t drive. This is not gonna be another, “Oh hands up, don’t shoot” crap in Texas. THIS IS NOT GOING DOWN, PEOPLE. This is not going to happen. I have already personally warned Al Sharpton and his little cronies: You leave Texas, and you leave Texas now.

“This Saturday, June 13, I will be in McKinney, Texas, at 10 o’clock in the morning. And I am leading every RED-BLOODED AMERICAN that is over this to McKinney, Texas. And we are going to your little hotel, to your little hiding spots, everywhere I can think of, and we are going to run you out of Texas. This is not a warning. This is a promise. We will be there. You will see me. You will leave Texas. Understood.”

Of course, now Kent will whine that his life is in danger from “evil racists” and trolls coming after him on the Internet, and then he’ll need more money to buy guns, hide out and defend himself from haters. If he’s lucky, a sympathetic right-wing radio host — or maybe even a Fox News guest! — will condemn America for persecuting this ignorant racist piece of shit asshole, because he is the true victim here. IT’S THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM!

In the meantime, somebody should tell this clown that AL SHARPTON IS NOT IN TEXAS.

Very stupid Texan #2 is KORY WATKINS, that dipshit ammosexual Second Amendment gun-humper from Open Carry Texas who screams at police officers and thinks our tyrannical state legislators should “swing from the tree of liberty.”
Two days ago Texas Governor Greg Abbott issued a statement saying he was “proud to expand liberty in the Lone Star State,” and signed two new open carry bills into law but didn’t find anything the least bit ironic signing them just hours after lunatic James Boulware — a well-armed Obama-hatin’ conspiracy theorist with a history of mental illness and domestic violence — shot up Dallas Police headquarters in an armored van with a horde of high-powered weapons and was killed by a police sniper. But that “little fuss” has nothing whatsoever to do with Texas’ new gun laws, which are about delivering guns into the hands of law-abiding citizens, not crazy maniacs who act irresponsibly. Abbott gunsplained that there’s no connection between the easy availability of firearms and senseless violence. And he added that the National Rifle Association and Texas State Rifle Association were the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful lovers of freedom he’s ever known.  

I might puke.

But that’s not enough for Kory Watkins. He wants Texans to know that if you really loved the Second Amendment you’d recognize that Governor Greg Abbott is a tyrant, because THERE’S NOTHING IN THE CONSTITUTION ABOUT PERMITS! So far, he hasn’t specifically called for Abbott to be executed (after a fair trial for treason) but I’m sure that’s just a temporary oversight.

On Facebook, Watkins complained: “Since the Constitution doesn’t mention anything about needing a permit it’s actually illegal for any state to require gun permits or have any regulations on guns at all (as all gun-humpers know, the “well-regulated” part of the Second Amendment only means that you have to be good at shooting whatever murder stick you have handy, because old Dictionaries).

Watkins also vowed to ignore the new law’s licensing requirement, saying, “I carry anywhere. I don’t give a shit.” This is a man who knows his God-given rights and obviously doesn’t care that his multiple misdemeanor convictions — mere youthful burglaries — disqualify him from getting a Texas handgun permit at all. Because real patriots can break unjust laws, JUST LIKE MARTIN LUTHER KING!

Very stupid Texan #3 is very our own GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT, who’s pandering to the Lone Star State’s lowest common demoninator. He declared a state of emergency in the town of Bastrop, where residents are positive that President Obama is planning an armed invasion of Texas and other southwestern states, making it the first time in history a leader would attempt to conquer something he already controls.
Thanks to Twitter, the large, routine U.S. Army training exercise planned for next month — known as JADE HELM — surged into national hysteria fueled by Governor Abbott, who indulged his state’s paranoid population by ordering the Texas State Guard to “monitor” the U.S. Army and prevent a takeover attempt. A Freedom of Information Act request to his office for emails pertaining to Jade Helm produced hundreds of letters from furious constituents, xenophobes, conspiracy theorists, and manic caps-lock devotees. Check out the following examples.

“I, for one, am glad you have the Texas National Guard keeping an eye on what is happening with the Jade Helms exercise. I do not trust Bark [sic] Obama or any of his administrators and what they may have plans for our nation. It wouldn’t surprise me if Obama called for marshall [sic] law in order to stop the next election from taking place.”

“God bless you and thank you for standing with us against the illegal Obama operation. We are committed by God to stand to defend truth and innocent life. We pray God will protect you as you face the lies and ridicule of these treasonous tyrants.”

“I am asking you Mr. Governor to declare Texas a FREE AND SOVEREIGN STATE and do not allow Texas to participate in the jade helms hogwash exercise. We have a president that has already declared Texas a hostile state. Why would we permit this? We continue to be trampled on and one piece at a time we are having our rights stripped.”

Actually, people, the anti-Abbott letters are even better!

“You are a disgrace to Texas. We are appalled that you would give credence to this conspiracy nonsense. You have embarrassed all Texans and you’re wasting tax dollars sending the Texas State Guard to monitor the U.S. military. What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“You’re such a dumb son of a bitch.”

“You have made Texas a laughingstock. Obama invading Texas? You can’t possibly be that stupid. Call me if you have any questions.”

“Governor, your recent statements about martial law because the U.S. military will be running training exercises in Texas does NOT bolster faith in your administration. This is the kind of crap we would expect from Donald Trump. How dare you waste our tax dollars monitoring U.S. troops when our educational system is in such disarray.”

“You are an idiot and you’re making all of us looks like redneck dumbasses. Do us a favor and resign now because you’re too stupid to govern.”

And finally, here’s a very stupid person who’s NOT a Texan! It’s former Florida governor Jeb Bush, George Dubya’s halfwit brother, who just announced his seat in the 2016 Republican clown car. Significantly, the launch of his campaign previewed last Sunday with a lame video titled “Making a Difference” featuring a freakish logo that eliminates his last name in favor of the three letter acronym “Jeb” and an oversized exclamation mark. It looks like the logo for a cable talk show.
“Jeb is different from George,” the younger Bush said this week in a CNN interview. “My life story is different. I don’t have to disassociate myself from my family, but I know that to be successful, I am going to have to tell my story.”
What the fuck? After a lifetime of trading on his last name, NOW he wants everyone to forget? Fat chance. The crossed eyes, blank stares and sarcastic answers are a dead giveaway. Maybe the paid consultants in his campaign would like to pretend they don’t work for a Bush, but the stench will never leave. George W. Bush dragged this country into hell, and President Obama is doing a great job trying to bring us back from the brink.

The Bush family is TOXIC. George Dubya can’t even leave the country without danger of being arrested for war crimes! Does Jeb really think we’ll forget that? Every other former president is welcomed overseas with open arms; Dubya is still despised EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD for all the damage he’s done. KEEP JEB BUSH OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE!

Thank you for putting up with my Texas-sized rant.

It’s almost 11 p.m., and when Sam gets home from work (any minute now!) we’ll spend the rest of the night holding hands and listening to the wind from what’s left of Tropical Storm Bill. In case you’re interested, this really didn’t turn out to be a “stormpocalypse” after all and we didn’t get much rain, either. Maybe two inches. Big deal, right?

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