Monday, June 1, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner is damn adorable for a senior citizen.

Glorioski. It’s 5:15 p.m. and finally quiet enough to concentrate on a Howdygram post! We had a pair of talented carpenters — Eric and Randy — here from Kitchen Solvers since the crack of dawn tearing out our old kitchen cabinets, sanding, drilling, hammering and shlepping materials back and forth from a temporary work station in the garage. THIS WAS NOISY AS FUCK. More than once I was on the verge of a screaming migraine so I spent the entire day at my desk in the study with a cold rag on my forehead. They left about 20 minutes ago and the silence is deafening.

In case you’re interested, this is how our kitchen looked about half an hour before Eric and Randy showed up this morning. I have taken the liberty to label many of the most important features. Not pictured: My rolling kitchen island, a nice set of glass Anchor Hocking canisters, a toaster oven and the pantry.

And now — ta da! — the Howdygram would like to introduce you to CAITLYN JENNER, the new and improved version of Bruce who’s also stepfathermother to the intensely lovable Kardashian klan. Caitlyn’s big exciting Vanity Fair cover hit the newsstands today. I think she’s damn adorable for a senior citizen, don’t you?! MAZEL TOV, CAITLYN.
Just in case you don’t remember Bruce, this might give you a little nudge. (He was even more gorgeous than Caitlyn.)

Hey, I’ve got a follow-up story to Saturday’s Howdygram post about Jon Ritzheimer, the repulsive shitbag who organized an anti-Muslim hatefest in Phoenix last week, surrounding a quiet neighborhood mosque with heavily-armed Jesus-lovin’ Christians in “FUCK ISLAM” tee shirts who used bullhorns to scream insults at Muslim women. Ritzheimer was shocked by their response.

“This is proof that tyranny is in America,” he said, after American Muslims issued a few threats of their own. “I'm having to sell my house! My family is going into hiding! They're calling for lone wolves to behead me! THAT’S TERRORISM RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA!” Get hold of yourself, Jon. Are you going to poop in your pants?
So what’s Einstein’s latest move? Figuring he could turn this situation in a hefty payday, Ritzheimer set up a GoFundMe page begging Muslim haters everywhere to help him raise $10 million “to protect his family” as he goes into hiding. His funding mission statement said:

You will not find me in a hole like we found Saddam Hussein. I'm going to keep living free but keep my protection close and near. I'm a Marine and we don't run and hide. We hunker down in our fighting hole and we stick it out!

GoFundMe shut down his page after 12 hours. Nobody donated any money because they couldn’t figure out what’s the difference between hiding in a hole and hunkering down in a fighting hole. Also because Jon Ritzheimer is just a terrified, mentally ill fool who believes hate is the same as free speech. I think Muslim-Americans should order themselves a bunch of FUCK RITZHEIMER tee shirts and go picket in front of his hidey-hole!

Oy, I desperately need a nap. Try not to make any noise for a couple of hours, okay?

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