The Howdygram 2: I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit.

It occurs to me that I don’t have very much going on in my life. Even though I manage to fill this blog with daily rants and diatribes about politics, putzes, knee pain, what I bought from Amazon and guess what I’m eating for dinner, I’m still just a housebound senior citizen with crap knees who practically can’t walk. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit and I haven’t worn a brassiere since I got my first set of dentures in 2010. (Seriously.)

The big news today at Howdygram headquarters? NO RAIN! After a dark, stormy, very wet Memorial Day weekend I’m pleased to report that we’re expecting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except clouds for the rest of the day. Our next chance for severe weather with hail and flying monkeys doesn’t pop up in the forecast until tonight at 11 p.m., and we have a 50% chance of more storms tomorrow. I know you’re getting sick of these weather reports (I don’t blame you) but this is a very large hoo-hah for us because the Dallas metro area has transitioned from an EXTREME DROUGHT with stage four water restrictions (i.e., dust your car and bathe with friends) to EXTREME DROWNING. Howdygram headquarters has had 10 inches of rain this month so far. Other parts of the Dallas metro area have had more than 12. Holy shitski, people.

In today’s big shopping news ... I just ordered my Whitmor 6070-3885 Supreme Large 5-Tier Shelving from Amazon! This is the black metal étagère we’ll set up in the kitchen after the remodelers finish refacing our cabinets next week. I’M SO EXCITED I MIGHT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

I’m also ready to order my new kitchen waiting-for-the-soup-to-boil sit-down bench except I have to hold off for a couple of days. Sam will be in Phoenix at the end of the week and I don’t want anything delivered when he’s out of town. (Translation: I’m handicapped and I can’t shlep cartons into the house.) Here’s a portrait of the bench for your possible interest. It’s almost leather, has high-quality padding for my high-quality ass and every reviewer says it’s easy to assemble and mighty pretty. Don’t tell anybody, but technically this is just a really inexpensive piano bench.

A couple of days ago in further preparation for our kitchen remodeling hoo-hah dear Sam emptied out all of our cabinets and drawers, leaving us with a variety of interesting barely-used merchandise to sell, donate or dump.

Personally, I prefer to SELL, so here’s a comprehensive accounting of what’s available at our first-ever Howdygram kitchen crapola sale! Please send an email to reserve the items of your choice and/or if you have any questions, okay?

FINE QUALITY FLATWARE. One pickle fork, three mismatched teaspoons and a mystery steak knife. Sold only as a set. $1.25.
NINE WEIRD PLACE MATS. Five are fabric, four are vinyl. All are reasonably ugly. (Don’t ask.) Will part with them individually for 50¢ or buy the whole bunch for $3.75.
TWO-QUART CLEAR PLASTIC BEVERAGE CARAFE WITH LID. Brand new, sort of nice but a lot taller than you’d expect. Would be useful for lemonade or whatever the hell you drink in your house. $2.00.
MEZZETTA HOT MIX. Five 16-ounce jars of large mixed vegetables in a very hot yet surprisingly tasteless vinegar marinade. A good choice if you’re into raw rock-hard cauliflower. (My condolences.) $2.25 per jar.
27 PACKETS OF SOUVENIR SOY SAUCE collected over a two-year period from China City, King China and China Cafe in Garland, Texas. A few may be moldy. Available only as a complete collection. 75¢.
DECAFFEINATED TEA BAGS. Half a box of Lipton decaf tea bags in excellent condition. $1.25.

Remember those thunderstorms I mentioned back in paragraph two? THEY SHOWED UP EARLY TONIGHT. Right now we’ve got a huge blob of very noisy weather rushing towards Howdygram headquarters with a severe thunderstorm warning until 10:45 p.m., a flash flood warning, and a tornado watch until 5 a.m. tomorrow. Auntie Em!