Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Fuck you, Luis. Send your unpaid bills to Mitt Romney or go buy yourself a pair of bootstraps.

Residents of the Dallas metropolitan area are requesting a ritzy set of matching Neiman Marcus life preservers as soon as possible due to expecting up to a foot of rain during the next three days. That’s TWELVE INCHES OF RAIN, people! Although Howdygram headquarters is located on high ground and nowhere near any creeks, rivers, cattle ponds or reservoirs, THAT’S A HELL OF A LOT OF WATER in addition to severe thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, wind, twisters and flooded drive-through lanes at In-N-Out Burger. A screen shot of our forecast appears below. Holy crap, am I right?

I’ve got another Einstein Award for you today, this time for a Republican who’s so fucking retarded I can’t believe he volunteered to tell his story to a reporter. Luis Lang — a South Carolina conservative who refused to sign up for Obamacare — is going broke and blind. AND HE BLAMES THE PRESIDENT.

In February Lang learned that he’d suffered a series of mini-strokes that left him with bleeding in his eyes and a partially detached retina caused by diabetes, reported the Charlotte Observer. Lang, 49, a self-employed handyman, has never purchased insurance and always prided himself on paying his own medical bills. This was no big deal whatsoever when Lang and his wife – who doesn’t work – were healthy, but he has already exhausted his savings paying for bills related to his eyes. And his vision has deteriorated so much that he hasn’t been able to work since December, which puts his $300,000 home in jeopardy, too.

“He will lose his eyesight if he doesn’t get care — he will go blind,” said Dr. Malcolm Edwards, an ophthalmologist who has given Lang treatments at a discounted rate to control the bleeding.

Lang, a smoker who admits he’s been inconsistent in controlling his diabetes, said he’s been begging for help from charities but finds that he’s either too young or too old for most agencies. So he turned to the Affordable Health Care exchange, which he had previously chosen not to do in violation of the law, because he thought help would be available in an emergency. “My husband should be at the front of the line because he doesn’t work and because he has medical issues,” said his wife, Mary Lang. “We call it the Not Fair Health Care Act.” Holy mother of crap.

Lang and his wife believe that President Obama and the Democrats are at fault for this when, in reality, these two idiots are FUCKING DELUSIONAL.
As philosopher and deep thinker John Wayne once said, “Life is hard. And it’s even harder when you’re STUPID.” Luis Lang is a selfish asshole and the bedrock of the Republican party. He’s diabetic but doesn't control his condition, smokes and refuses to buy health insurance when it’s available during open enrollment because JESUS, LIBERTY AND I DON’T WANT NO COMMUNIST HEALTH CARE FROM AFRICA! ... and then blames his lack of maturity and personal responsibility on the President of the United States. To top it all off, Lang told the Charlotte Observer that he hasn’t applied for Social Security disability benefits because (ready for this?) IT TAKES TOO LONG. Seriously!

So now this dipshit and his stay-at-home wife are hoping to publicize his illness into a financial windfall with a GoFundMe account like the gay-hating pizza parlor girl in Michigan, but it definitely isn’t happening (you should read the comments). I had a minimal amount of sympathy for Luis Lang’s sheer stupidity but have less than zero for his greed. He claims he always “prided himself on paying his own bills” but needs a GoFundMe page? If that isn’t a classic sociopathic Republican, I don’t know what is. FUCK YOU, LUIS. Send your unpaid bills to Mitt Romney or go buy yourself a pair of bootstraps.

Today’s recipe is one of my all-time favorites and an uncomplicated go-to meal when you can’t stand at the stove to cook things and just want to watch today’s episode of  “People’s Court.” Here’s what you need to make SEASONED MEAT SLABS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH GRILL MARKS AND LOW-CARB PASTA RICE: 1) about 1½ cups of cooked Ciao Carb pasta rice; 2) two Costco pre-cooked hamburger patties with real grill marks; and 3) Lawry’s seasoned salt.
NOTE: I’m addicted to Ciao Carb pasta rice. About once a week Sam cooks up a double batch and we store it in the fridge in a nice air-tight plastic container. Just simmer two bags in eight cups of water with a teaspoon of salt for about 25 minutes until all the water is absorbed.

Just smoosh the pasta rice flat on a dinner plate and microwave for two minutes. On a separate plate place two hamburger patties, season with Lawry’s salt and nuke for 3½ minutes. Pour the burgers and juice onto the rice. THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT. Feel free to add an optional nice slice of cheese to each hamburger during the last 30 seconds. Or not.

Thanks a million for reading this. I think I’m ready for a nap and a movie. I recorded six starring Margaret Rutherford yesterday!

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