Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Our newest senior citizen recipe is a real doozy.

Yo from the helpless winter wasteland of north Texas. We’re still covered in a shiny layer of ice from yesterday’s storm, and according to online news reports the entire Dallas/Fort Worth metro area will be shut down for the second day in a row due to nobody knows how to drive on shit like this and every road, ramp, freeway, bridge and parking lot is a SKATING RINK. For me, though, this is no big deal whatsoever because Sam might work from home again and I’ve got plenty of braunschweiger and Coke Zero. Also Pop Secret with movie theater butter.

To make sure we get all of our winter weather out of the way in one stinking week, apparently we’ve also got four inches of snow in the forecast tomorrow morning. SNOW!

Our newest senior citizen recipe is a real doozy. Uncomplicated, fast, tasty and perfect for the elderlies in your life who can’t hang out at the stove cooking things any more due to mobility issues or no stamina. The Howdygram recommends EASY CHEESY RICE FOR SENIOR CITIZENS WITH SHITTY KNEES IN A POT. The ingredients and directions follow.
Boil four cups of water in a decent-sized saucepan with a teaspoon of optional salt and pour in a whole package of Ciao Carb Pasta Rice. This is a very wonderful high-protein, high-fiber, low-carb pasta that has the shape, flavor and texture of light brown rice. I LOVE THIS CRAP! So simmer your pasta rice for about 15 minutes (sit down somewhere in the meantime) until it’s soft and fluffy and all the water is absorbed, then dump it into a nice wire strainer. Scoop about half the pasta rice back into your saucepan, squeeze in two foil packets of Velveeta Cheese Sauce and stir. THAT’S IT. And now you can eat your dinner RIGHT OUT OF THE POT just like I do so there’s one less dish to wash and you can hold onto the heat-proof handle.

Oy, I need a nap and I need it NOW. Thank you for reading this.

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