Thursday, January 29, 2015

Save a pretzel for the gas jets!

First of all, boys and girls, please check out the following screen shot of Howdygram headquarters’ local forecast yesterday on and cry into your Cheerios. It just doesn’t get more swell than this even if you live in Florida, southern California or Oz.
And now for some other HUGE NEWS, okay? It’s 7:15 p.m. Wednesday, I just woke up from a very juicy 3½-hour nap in the family room, and my blood glucose is 49. That’s REALLY REALLY LOW, people, in case you’re diabetically-challenged. So while I attempt to bounce back from the edge of unconsciousness I’m chewing my favorite Wal-Mart emergency fruit punch glucose tablets and planning an order from China City — orange shrimp! crab things! little meaty dumplings! — because I’m too wobbly right now to haul myself into the kitchen and cook food.

After living in the Lone Star State for the last eight years I can say without hesitation that a genuine Texan loves nothing more than Jesus, his truck and his goddamn guns. Unless you’re a member of Open Carry Texas, of course, because these arrogant, neo-Confederate dipshits take their Second Amendment horseshit to a whole new level. And Dipshit-in-Chief Kory Watkins has decided the smartest way to get more gun bills passed in the Texas legislature is to menace and harass legislators by storming their offices in Austin — in large groups, armed with assault weapons and cameras.
Newly-elected Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, a right-wing shitbag who advocated for open carry during the election process, is so irritated with Kory Watkins and his hostile muzzlestroking baboons that he’s actually stepped back from pushing these bills through the legislature.

So how did Watkins respond? With the following statements: “I’m coming to Patrick’s office Thursday. Tell them to get the panic buttons ready.” And “My Creator gave me the right to bear arms.” His group started a new Facebook page vowing to “hunt [opponents] down” and “make them leave Texas.”

I’ve got two video clips for your possible interest. The first was taken last week when Kory Watkins and his pals — all armed with loaded assault weapons — stormed Congressman Poncho Nevarez’s office in the Austin Statehouse, made threats and then refused to leave when Nevarez, a Democrat, clearly had enough and called for security. Watkins is the genius holding the camera and his voice is the one that sounds like a sphincter on helium. (Listen for “shall not be infringed,” “you’re a tyrant,” “don’t touch me” and “this is the people’s office.”)

Next is Open Carry asshole Rob Kinnison, who’s apparently having a stroke (on the top of his lungs) that a gun control group called Moms Demand Action wants Kroger not to allow dickheads with loaded assault rifles to shop in their stores because they’re scaring the living crap out of everybody in the frozen food aisle. Rob Kinnison is clearly NOT a happy person, judging from the fact that he had to hide in his car in the dark to express himself.

God bless Texas. It’s like a whole ’nother country!

And while I’m on the subject, former Texas governor Rick “Hairdo” Perry made the news this week when he announced that a criminal prosecution against him for abuse of power has not affected his decision to run for the White House in 2016. After the court rejected his attorneys’ second attempt to dismiss the charges, Perry told a press conference, “We are going to continue on.” Because sure, why the hell not? Comedy Central sent Perry a thank you note.

Perry was indicted last August by a grand jury in Travis County with abuse of official capacity, a first-degree felony, and coercion of a public official, a third-degree felony. With any luck, if Perry’s convicted he could face from five to 99 years in prison.

You might enjoy this video of hilarious Rick Perry “soundbites” based on some atrocious lip reading. Always remember: SAVE A PRETZEL FOR THE GAS JETS!

Thank you, as always, for reading this.

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