Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Product recalls just in time for Christmas. Ho-ho-holy crap.

The Howdygram would like to alert you to a few scary product recalls just in time for your holiday gift-giving adventures. If you already have one of these gems under the tree you might want to consider Plan B, such as breakfast at Denny’s and a couple of Russell Stover marshmallow Santas.
GIGGLES INTERNATIONAL ANIMATED MONKEYS. So far there have been two reports of SEVERELY OVERHEATED MONKEYS and MELTED BATTERY COMPARTMENTS, so all of these dolls have been recalled from shitty Cracker Barrell gift shops nationwide.

KEURIG MINI PLUS BREWING SYSTEM. The manufacturer has received about 200 complaints (and 90 confirmed injuries) concerning BOILING HOT LIQUID SPEWING OUT OF THE BREWER at ususpecting schmucks in bathrobes.

KIDS’ FLEECE PANEL HOODIES. James Trading Group has recalled their kids’ fleece panel hoodies due to STUPID CHILDREN MIGHT GET THEIR NECKS CAUGHT IN SCHOOL BUS DOORS. What the fuck? Do they really think the JACKET is to blame for this? I’d investigate the goddamn bus driver!

In case you’re interested ... I’M FINALLY FEELING BETTER TONIGHT. The intense pain in my left leg has subsided and my arthritic knees have returned to a more routine level of general crappiness. With any luck I’ll feel well enough to enjoy a nice long weekend with Sam, who has four days off. Our plans include watching movies, taking naps and eating things, although not necessarily in that order.

You’re in luck, Howdygram readers. I’m pleased to announce that President Obama has released his first official music video — that old Communist favorite from Kenya, “Jingle Bells” — to help you and yours get into the Christmas spirit. EVERYBODY SING!

Merry Christmas to you and yours from the White House and Howdygram headquarters.

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