Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It’s time for the latest chapter of “Sam Goes to Costco.”

I didn’t want to write another whiny middle-of-the-night Howdygram post, but what the hell ... it is what it is. My knees hurt, my feet are full of electric shocks and I haven’t been able to fall asleep even though I tried. Whenever this happens I always migrate into the study, yank a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge and sit at my desk so I won’t flop around in bed and annoy Sam. So that’s why I’m here in case you’re wondering. It’s 4 a.m.

So what else does a kvetchy senior citizen do at this hour of the morning? That’s easy: I shop. At the moment I’m filling my carts at Wal-Mart and Amazon’s Prime Pantry, loading up on a bunch of exciting crap that I’ll purchase later on. This is strategic, people. Wal-Mart offers free shipping when you spend $50, and Prime Pantry has $5.99 flat-rate shipping so you want to get your “pantry box” as full as possible. So far my pantry box if 58% full and includes teeny bottles of diet Mountain Dew, Tide Pods, Hormel chili, Tostitos Scoops, Sun Maid dried apricots, Milano cookies and convenient little packets of granulated lemon. (The chili, cookies, Tostitos and apricots are a surprise for Sam. Don’t tell him, okay?)
And this is the perfect segue into the Howdygram’s Wednesday Morning Story Hour featuring the latest chapter of SAM GOES TO COSTCO. Once again it’ll probably just be the usual suspects — teeny tacos, breakfast burritos, spicy guacamole cups, muffins on steroids — unless Sam finds something irresistible like several pounds of cooked shrimp or the gigantic stuffed portobello mushrooms they discontinued without our permission two years ago.

We really miss those mushrooms.

I don’t know if you missed this irritating horseshit in the news a couple of days ago, but a high school freshman in Marion, Ohio, named Anthony Miller has decided to go on strike to protest removal of a stupid (and illegal) Ten Commandments plaque from the school’s hallway. “I am attending class because by law I have to attend class but I am refusing to participate,” the dipshit said. “I’m aware of the consequences, but I would like to get my point across.”
“I don’t care about my grades now,” he continued. “I told the principal, until there is an agreement reached, I will not participate in any Harding-related activities, any Marion City Schools-related activities. Sports, choir, classes, whatever. I won’t even wear my Harding Marching Band shirt.”

I think this sanctimonious little shit is ready to run for Congress, don’t you? He probably has a Ted Cruz poster over his bed.

Thank you for reading this. I desperately need a nap.

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