Meet Paul LePage, the shitweasel governor of Maine.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. I almost considered not bothering with a Howdygram post tonight until I checked my blog stats a few minutes ago and discovered a yooge number of visitors checking in from all across the globe and decided to express my undying appreciation for all this gooey popularity and get busy at the keyboard.

Today’s international visitors (so far) have included: Cork, Ireland; Plymouth, United Kingdom; Paris, France; Barcelona, Spain; Paraiba, Brazil; Macclesfield, United Kingdom; Williams Lake, British Columbia; Thunder Bay, Ontario; Vaslui, Romania; Bissendorf, Germany; Isleworth, United Kingdom; Toulouse, France; Jedda, Saudi Arabia; Tokyo, Japan; Pretoria, South Africa; Kraków, Poland; Singapore; Narbonne, France; Lima, Peru; Montréal, Quebec; Rheinland-Pfalz, Germany; Sligo, Ireland; Christchurch, New Zealand; Sierra Leone; Shenzhen, China; Vlaams-Brabant, Belgium; Stockholm, Sweden; and Kemerovo, Russian Federation. And this is all in addition to a regular mob of U.S. Americans from cities all over the country. Holy crap, right?

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Before I dive into today’s hot political news I thought it might be fun to show you what I bought this afternoon from Creative Market ... a gigantic collection of 210 BACKGROUND PATTERNS on sale for 90% off! Here’s a sample in case you’re interested. Most of these are hand-drawn patterns and all of them are “seamless,” which means you can tile them in any direction to make gigantic backgrounds as big as a Buick. (This is a huge deal for designers. Trust me.) Included are themed patterns for spring, winter, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, cupcakes, floral things, geometric designs, swirlies and weddings. I am very, very excited.

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And now ... it’s time for POLITICS, goddamn it! We’ll begin tonight with the asshole teatard Republican governor of Maine, the lard-face Paul LePage, who’s our latest Putz of the Week. LePage is so fucking angry at Democrats that he’s refusing to swear in Senator-elect Susan Deschambault, who won a runoff election in March. Seriously, people ... HE WON’T SWEAR HER IN.

Unfortunately, Deschambault didn’t know what her shitweasel governor planned to do (or NOT do) until after she and her family traveled to the state capital for that previously-scheduled swearing-in ceremony. Apparently Democrats in the state legislature had voted against confirming LePage’s appointee to Maine’s Unemployment Insurance Commission so poor Susan Deschambault doesn’t get to be a senator.

Who the hell elected this clown?!

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My day wouldn’t be complete without another jaw-dropper about Donald Trump. This time he’s demanding that John Kasich shut down his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination because he knows he can’t win and he’s just stealing all of Donald’s votes.

Trump made his claim last night in Wisconsin while everybody was running around and campaigning for the state’s primary on April 5 (tomorrow). Trump is badly trailing Ted Cruz in the polls and insists that Kasich is unfairly siphoning off delegates. Although the Manhattan orangutan holds a significant lead over Cruz so far in primaries and caucuses, he definitely won’t gain the 1,237 delegates needed to lock up the presidential nomination ahead of the Republican convention this summer in Cleveland. This would explain why Trump has been bribing other candidates like Ben Carson and Chris Christie to drop out — probably in exchange for cash and the promise of an administration position — and endorse him. Very cagey stuff. Also illegal.

So Trump is having a stroke about about this and says it’s “unfair” for Kasich, who has won only one primary in his home state of Ohio, to continue campaigning. He suggested that Kasich should follow the lead of former candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush ... and quit. “If I didn't have Kasich, I automatically win,” Trump said.

Except FUCK NO, you just don’t get it, Donald! People voting for Kasich are voting against YOU, not against Ted Cruz, so if Kasich quits the race his voters will choose Cruz. This is driving me crazy already. Trying to make sense out of Donald Trump is like having hemorrhoids.

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I wanted to do a third political piece about Senator Tom Cotton — good old “Tehran Tom” is back in the news! — but I’m wearing out and think it might be a nice time for drugs and a short nap before Sam gets home from work. Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to shut the lights when you’re done here, okay?