Oy. Texas is trying to secede again.

Hello from Acheyville, U.S.A. and I hope you’re having a better Tuesday than I am. I was hoping to spend a couple of hours writing a nice Howdygram post but all of a sudden EVERYTHING HURTS and I don’t think I’ll be able to sit here much longer. In case you give a crap “everything” includes: 1) my knees; 2) three toes plus the heel of my left foot; 3) my right arm and shoulder; 4) burning skin on the back of both thighs; 5) two leaking pressure sores; and 6) a partridge in a pear tree. (I might be kidding about the partridge.) It’s always something, isn’t it?

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I will begin tonight with a genuine political hoo-hah as Donald Trump fucked up during a campaign speech by referring to the September 11 terror attacks as “7-Eleven.”

“I wrote this out because, and it’s very close to my heart, because I was down there and I watched our police and our firemen, down on 7-Eleven, down at the World Trade Center right after it came down,” Trump said. “And I saw the greatest people I’ve ever saw in action. I saw the bravest people I’ve ever seen.” Yeah, right. We believe you, Donald.

Here’s the video clip just in case you think I’m joking. Donald Trump says YOU SHOULDN’T FORGET 7-ELEVEN because he personally witnessed the greatest people he’s ever seen — convenience store workers filling Slurpee cups! — under yooge pressure when the twin towers collapsed around his head. God bless New York! God bless America!



God, what a jerk. Why didn’t his father use a condom?!

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Speaking of jerks — and outright TREASON, while we’re at it — apparently a crowd of Texas wingnuts voted today to consider seceding from the Union. According to the Texas Nationalist Movement, 22 counties run by total yahoos passed secession platforms at their county conventions in an effort to bring the issue to the table during the state’s Republican Party Convention in May.

The Texas Republican Party, however, is NOT pleased with this development, and state party chairman Tom Mechler says the Texas Nationalist Movement is “unpatriotic.” In truth, the Texas Republican Party would be a fucking mess without the federal government they claim to hate so much. The feds spend $9,000 per year on every Texan, forcing well-run liberal states to subsidize Texas’s idiotic Tea Party economics and refusal to care for their neediest citizens. For instance, 13% of children in Texas don’t have healthcare, the state has refused to expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act, and 27% of Texas children live in food-insecure households. Texas also has an insanely high dropout rate for high school students and the fifth-highest rate of teen pregnancy in the United States thanks to useless state-mandated abstinence-only sex education. Because JESUS! Plus ... one in three children have no prenatal care, and Texas lawmakers waste most of their time and money trying to shutter Planned Parenthood clinics!

Fortunately for the few surviving liberals in the Lone Star State (such as yours truly) secession is illegal and the Y’all Qaeda is just another impotent mob of tyranny-minded right-wing assholes. Yup!

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Dead celebrities are sure piling up around here. Tonight I’m sad to announce the passing of actress Doris Roberts, 90, who died on April 17 with beautiful skin. Roberts was probably best-known as the overbearing mother-in-law on the TV sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond,” which was a humongous hit from 1996 to 2005 and always one of my favorite shows. She received five Emmy Awards. I always loved her earrings.

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And now it’s time for a late-night pish so I can join Sam in the family room for snacks and tonight’s episode of “Deadliest Catch.” Thank you for stopping by and don’t forget to shut the light when you’re done here, okay?