I’m zoned out and Sam has poison ivy.

I’m so zoned out on prescription painkillers today I keep dropping my cordless Apple mouse on the floor. Unfortunately, the damn thing is really slippery and impossible to pick up with my long-reach grabber whatnot so I have to whack it into one of my memory foam slippers first. It’s always something, isn’t it? Shit.

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And now let’s cover today’s big news story: SAM HAS POISON IVY! We’re guessing he probably got it Sunday when he was out in the back yard sans clothes — due to being a nudist and having a very private eight-foot cedar fence — and then casually pulling a weed or two without realizing one of them was FUCKING POISON IVY, especially since poison ivy looks extremely ordinary and you’d never guess it’s anything you’re not supposed to touch. The result is intense itching with welts and blisters, and Sam’s poor eyes are swollen, drippy and glued shut. (At first we thought he had conjunctivitis.)

So ... Sam got squeezed in at the doctor, wound up with a nice juicy shot of steroids, and now he’s here in the study eating Costco chicken salad out of a plastic tub. I’d take a picture of his face but I’m afraid it might scare the crap out of you.

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Nothing makes me happier than calling a self-righteous Bible-humping hypocrite A SELF- RIGHTEOUS BIBLE-HUMPING HYPOCRITE. Behold our latest Putz of the Week! It’s Josh Duggar, eldest son of the clueless Duggars, whose stint as a child molester with four of his younger sisters led to his entire family’s eviction in May from TLC’s hit show “19 Repulsive Lying Shitbags and Counting.”

Today, of course, the good news just keep getting gooder. Not too long ago that slimy Ashley Madison website, where married people signed up for accounts to have sex affairs with other married people, got hacked ... and yesterday the hackers finally released the site’s top secret membership data. Lo and behold, Gawker discovered TWO SEPARATE ACCOUNTS belonging to Self-Righteous Fundamentalist Christian Family Values Piece of Shit Sister-Molester JOSH DUGGAR that cost more than $985 and were active between February 2013 and March 2015. Holy crap, right?

Duggar was employed at the time by the viciously anti-gay “God hates fags” Family Research Council, where he lobbied politicians to speak out against LGBTs, to pass laws persecuting them, and to support the sanctity of traditional Biblical marriage between one man and a website full of cheating bimbos one woman. THE DUGGARS MAKE ME WANT TO HURL.

Congratulations, Josh. You wanted to be famous? Mazel tov ... YOU’RE FUCKING FAMOUS.