Thursday, July 21, 2016

Unfortunately, I’m a housebound coot who can’t stand up any more to cook things.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls! It’s 10 o’clock Thursday morning, Sam’s at work and I’m at my desk in the study noshing on Bugles, a Diet Sunkist and the last sugar-free fried pie leftover from Sunday. Stop laughing. I’ve always been into health food.

My first big fat hot news story of the day is another deceased famous person with a (presumably) large bank account ... iconic TV producer/director/screenwriter Garry Marshall, 81, whose yooge and intensely-popular successes during the 1970s included “The Odd Couple,” “Happy Days,” “Laverne and Shirley” and “Mork and Mindy.”
Marshall also directed a pile of mega-hit romantic comedies such as Pretty Woman (1990) and Runaway Bride (1999), both starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, The Princess Diaries (2001) starring Julie Andrews and Anne Hathaway, and Overboard (1987) starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. For the record, I’m absolutely positive that Sam has never seen ANY of these movies ... nor could he ever be bribed to do so. (If you need additional information about this please contact Sam directly. Thank you.)

I’ve got two shelf-stable, senior-citizen-friendly speedy entrees to review for you from Hormel. I’ll begin with COMPLEATS ROAST BEEF & GRAVY WITH MASHED SPUDS, a truly satisfying little airplane-sized feast with tasty gravy, exceptionally tender meat and friendly spuds good enough to serve your mother-in-law. I have awarded this meal with our coveted five-chopper rating and plan to keep it in stock at all times. As a housebound coot who can’t stand up any more to cook things, speedy meals really make life wonderful for me because I have a microwave on my desk in the study. (Plus a refrigerator for sodas.)
Next ... COMPLEATS CHILI WITH BEANS AND REAL AUTHENTIC FLAVOR, which is monumentally better than any prepared chili I’ve ever tasted and contains genuine beef, actual beans and recognizable dices of onion and green things. (I ate mine with a container of Annie Chun’s sprouted brown rice. AMAZING!) I’m awarding this Hormel meal with our five-chopper rating, too.

I wanted to type more but my left foot is killing me again, so it’s time for drugs, a large shpritz of Burberry London and a nap. I like to smell good when I sleep. Thank you for reading this.

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