Sunday, July 31, 2016

Ryan Bundy, the eldest son of Cliven, is a modern-day “Joe Danby” and a certified idiot.

Ah, Saturday! I just woke up from a glorious seven-hour nap (details to follow) followed by a nice, hot shower ... and Sam is at Wal-Mart buying cole slaw and potato salad. Life doesn’t get much better than this, does it?!
Regarding that aforementioned nap — in case you’re interested — I didn’t sleep very well last night, only three hours, and had been wide awake since 4 o’clock this morning. By 9 I was a zombie and decided to shlep myself to the chaise in the family room. I can’t remember which movie I tried to watch because I was unconscious before the opening credits. Sam, on the other hand, had a thoroughly productive day that included: 1) a successful late-morning junket to Costco, 2) making lunch; 3) calling two of his siblings (David and Tammy) just for the hell of it; 4) taking a nap of his own; and 5) hiring a new landscaping service to mow our lawn after the last gang of clowns didn’t do such a hot job. (Sam fired them about 10 days ago.)

And finally ... we’re sharing a yooge slab of Costco salmon for dinner tonight with their melty and incredibly tasty “pesto” butter. Absolute heaven. And we even get to see Support Your Local Sheriff (1969) starring James Garner, Jack Elam, Walter Brennan, Bruce Dern (as the “genius” Joe Danby) and Joan Hackett. This is one of our favorite movies and we can recite entire scenes from memory.

Before I move on to actual news and some political commentary I’d like to share the following ADORABLE FREE FONTS, okay? These are all amazing, but I especially love “Jonesy” for all the alternate letters and letter combinations, and “Dr. Agu Script” includes nine different styles and “Asterisk Sans” includes 16 (eight weights plus italics for each). I’ll include download links below the graphic so you can grab some of these for yourself.

Our most recent Einstein Award goes to Ryan Bundy — a modern-day “Joe Danby,” eldest son of Cliven and the one with the squashed head — who’s currently incarcerated in Oregon with his father and brother awaiting trial for a laundry list of federal crimes that include (among other things) the armed militia takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, flinging poo on sacred Indian burial grounds, stealing and/or destroying government property, plotting a jailbreak with knotted bed sheets like an episode of “I Love Lucy,” staging an armed insurrection, threatening federal officers, sedition and attempting to overthrow the United States of America.

Go grab yourself a diet ginger ale and get comfortable. This is good.
In his latest stab at stand-up comedy, a few days ago Ryan Bundy asked the federal government to pay him $1 million to stand trial. Bundy, who’s serving as his own attorney, filed court documents using all kinds of bullshit “sovereign citizen” language to prove that the United States has no authority over him and said he will not accept the role of defendant unless he is handsomely rewarded. His court filing said:

I, ryan c, man, am an idiot of the ‘Legal Society’; and; am an idiot (layman, outsider) of the ‘Bar Association’; and; i am incompetent; and; am not required by any law to be competent. I, ryan c, man, require fair and just compensation of $1,000,000 for acting in any “Role”; and; i require you to send payment in full; and; in advance, prior to [my] accepting any Role other than man, flesh and blood, made in the image of The Lord God Almighty.

The soverign citizen movement believes that if you don’t capitalize your legal name and throw in a lot of ridiculous semicolons the federal government can’t control you. Seriously.

But there’s more!

Bundy also demanded $100 million if he’s ordered to face a judge in connection with the 41-day armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge but would consider playing the role of judge or bailiff if the court paid him $1 million. (He’s more affordable than Brad Pitt!) Ryan claims that Nevada, where he lives, and Oregon, where he’s incarcerated, are not actually within the “United States,” which he says only refers to the District of Columbia.

In addition, Bundy said the government should pay him $800 million in restitution for jailing him in connection with the Malheur occupation and the armed 2014 standoff at his father’s ranch in Nevada. Also his Second Amendment rights are being violated because he can’t have his guns in jail.
I think I have a solution and a way to move the process along. Since Ryan Bundy hates the government so goddamn much, let’s pay him $1 million in Monopoly play money in lieu of United States legal tender, kick his sorry ass to the curb and slap him with a 25-year sentence for crimes against America. CAN WE PLEASE GET RID OF THE BUNDY FAMILY NOW?

One final news item before I move on to my next project (designing new padfolios for The Howdygram Store). Chicken-shit Donald Trump has earned another Putz of the Week Award from us for his latest Twitter rant. Now he’s accusing Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party of “rigging” the system against him by scheduling two debates during NFL games. Here we go again. Poor Donald just can’t catch a break.
First of all, Trump’s information is BULLSHIT since debates are organized by the Commission of Presidential Debates, not by either political party. Therefore the system can’t be rigged against poor Donald (or anybody else) because the debate dates were set almost a year ago, long before either candidate was an official nominee. And Trump seems strangely worried that his ratings would get fucked up by an NFL game when he never stops bragging about how “yooge” his ratings are!

Truth is ... HE’S TERRIFIED TO DEBATE HILLARY CLINTON and during the next few weeks he’ll find at least a dozen new and exciting ways to back out in advance. (And just a quick refresher, Donald ... YOU requested the debate with Bernie Sanders and YOU backed out at the last minute!)

Time to move on. Thank you for reading this and thank you for trying not to forget the Alamo. Bless your heart.

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