Friday, May 13, 2016

The Howdygram Store has designed 40 new cases for your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy.

Holy crap on a Popsicle stick, people. Thursday was a day of MANY GIGANTIC HOO-HAHS here at Howdygram headquarters! However, the only way to provide appropriate coverage of each hoo-hah would be in neatly-labeled paragraphs, so that’s exactly what I’ll do ... one exciting hoo-hah at a time.

#1: THE HOWDYGRAM STORE ADDS 40 NEW SMARTPHONE CASES. I spent all day Thursday designing them; now I’m busy uploading the artwork to Zazzle and creating identical collections for iPhones and Samsung Galaxies. I’ll probably need two or three days to finish this next part of the project because Zazzle requires unique product names, well-written product descriptions, a list of five to 10 search words and so on, for every design I upload ... and that’s for a total of 80 products. In case you’re interested, this lastest expansion will bring my total number of smartphone designs to approximately several million, which is enough to choke that old proverbial horse. Come and shop at The Howdygram Store, okay?
Pictured above are three shiny photorealistic foil cases with big white polka dots and a couple of personalized cases with heart-shaped soft-focus bokeh lights. These things are so goddamn cute I can hardly stand it.

#2: I’VE JUST DISCOVERED AMAZON’S “PRIME NOW.” Until a little while ago I’d never heard of Prime Now. Have you?! Is this available where YOU live?! A person can get FREE ONE-HOUR DELIVERY during normal business hours for a shitload of Amazon’s most popular products — including groceries, frozen food, refrigerated dairy products, crunchy organic tortilla chips and soft drinks! — and if you order after-hours you get free NEXT DAY delivery within a specific two-hour window.
Do you know how REALLY HUGE this is, people? Getting an Amazon order in ONE STINKING HOUR FOR FREE is the most amazing thing on earth even though I can’t think of anything I would ever need that fast except possibly Cheetos or a bottle of Imodium, in which case I’d just send Sam to Walgreens. (Prime Now has a $15 minimum order. That’s easy.)

Anyhoo ... to give it a whirl last night I ordered $16 worth of meaningless whatnots — sugar-free Jell-O vanilla pudding cups (two six-packs) and Amy’s frozen organic spinach pizza rolls — which will be delivered here at Howdygram headquaters later this morning between 8 and 10 a.m. Sam thinks I’m nuts, but I absolutely LOVE this!

PUDDING UPDATE: It is presently 8:45 a.m. and according to Prime Now’s tracking page my order is on the way with a driver named Thomas. I’m not kidding.

#3: THE GREAT GABAPENTIN INCIDENT OF 2016. Shout “hallelujah,” brothers and sisters ... I finally got Dr. M’s office to rewrite my prescription for Gabapentin (I’m taking it for neuropathy pain) at a much higher dose. It took a whole week of wrangling with her semi-literate nurse, Kimberly Einstein, whose life skills  apparently do NOT include math, because the poor thing couldn’t figure out how many 100 mg capsules I would need for a 90-day supply if I’m taking nine capsules per day. Seriously ... it took her FOUR FUCKING DAYS to come up with an answer, and when she finally called me yesterday morning she still had it WRONG. Fortunately, she erred on the side of over-abundance and convinced Dr. M — who was probably sick of talking to her about this — into prescribing a huge dose except with 300 mg tablets instead of 100 mg capsules, effectively giving me 900 mg THREE TIMES DAY. I think my brain might explode from this already. (At least I won’t run out of Gabapentin for a while.)

Sam will pick up my prescription at Wal-Mart tomorrow morning. He’ll probably need a wheelbarrow.

Here we go, guys ... more SWELL FREE FONTS from the Howdygram! Even though these are all interesting, unusual and exceptionally cute, my favorites are “Paduka,” “Concrete Stencil” (the script version) and “Woodcut.” I’ll include download links after the graphic so you can add these to your own collection or hand them out as graduation gifts. Fonts rock!

And now I’d like to share the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week, asshole Senator John Thune (R-SD), who told NBC News that he “wants to haul Facebook employees before Congress” because a former Facebook employee once heard that the company suppresses conservative news in its Trending Topics feed.

Facebook said this is bullshit, denied the allegations and noted there’s zero evidence to substantiate the claims. Republicans, of course, are having a cow. The RNC said in a statement on Thursday: “It is beyond disturbing to learn that this power is being used to silence viewpoints and stories that don’t fit someone else’s agenda.” Sounds more like they’re describing Fox News, doesn’t it?
This led our Putz of the Week, who’s chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee,  to write a sharply-worded letter to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg: “If true, these allegations compromise Facebook’s ‘open culture’ and mission ‘to make the world more open and connected.’” Then he demanded that employees responsible for Trending Topics appear before the Senate committee by May 24.


John Thune is a JOKE. As a vocal opponent of net neutrality and the FCC’s “Fairness Doctrine,” Thune argued in 2007: “I know the hair stands up on the back of my neck when I hear government officials offering to regulate the news media and talk radio to ensure fairness. I think most Americans have the same reaction. Giving power to a few to regulate fairness in the media is a recipe for disaster on the scale that George Orwell so aptly envisioned.”

And yet, here we are, people, watching the exact same senator use his office to demand answers from a media company accused of being insufficiently “fair” towards conservative content.

Instead of “hauling” Facebook employees in front of Congress maybe they should vote on President Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court, appropriate emergency funds to fight the Zika virus, start a water clean-up in Flint, Michigan, and maybe not take so goddamn many days off for vacation!

I’d like to kick Senator Thune into an open sewer.

Thank you for reading this. I really need a nap now.

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