Monday, May 16, 2016

Julius La Rosa died. (I wish Sarah Palin would be next.)

Oy, please forgive me. I didn’t write Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday due to a number of pathetic reasons, which I’ll list for you in neat, subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

I FELT LIKE CRAP. And it’s really hard to be funny when you want to knock somebody’s teeth out with your cane! My complaints included: 1) severe arthritis pain in both knees; 2) my goddamn leaking pressure sores; 3) burning, hyper-sensitive skin on the back of both thighs; 4) a weird sore spot “thing” on my lower back; and 5) another weird sore spot “thing,” this time on the bottom of my left foot, although Sam swears he can’t see it.

I TOOK A LOT OF NAPS. REALLY LONG ONES. I think drugs have taken over my life. I’m on very large quantities of Norco and Gabapentin, both of which make a person very drowsy, and there are several times of the day (especially when I take certain other meds, too) when it’s fucking impossible to stay awake. And sometimes it’s equally impossible to shlep from the study to my chaise in the family room, so when I finally get there I just collapse. This is very annoying and makes me feel decrepit.

I’M HAVING “JERKY FINGER” ISSUES that cause my hands to continue striking keys on my computer keyboard EVEN WHEN I’M NOT TRYING TO TYPE. According to WebMD jerky fingers are a side effect of Gabapentin, which is a nerve pain medication and an anti-convulsant. (I take it for nerve pain due to diabetes.) Other common side effects include fine motor control disorders, tremors, flatulence, delusions, hoarseness, trembling, shaking, change in walking and balance, dizziness and shortness of breath. I have all of the above.

MY OTHER ADDICTIONS TOOK OVER. Years ago I saw a therapist for a few months who diagnosed me with an “addictive personality disorder,” through which I learned that I’m a woman of many addictions but can only deal with them one at a time. At present a few of my aforementioned addictions include writing the Howdygram, redesigning the Howdygram, creating new products for The Howdygram Store, collecting free fonts and shopping. Stop laughing. So even though I wanted to write Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday I wound up designing several million gorgeous smartphone cases for my Zazzle store instead. Samples appear below for your possible interest. Here are a “hipster” pattern with square monograms in brown, charcoal and plum; a photorealistic giraffe print in gold, rose gold and “blonde” gold; and a trio of space age backgrounds in red/orange, violet and emerald green with round Spacely Sprockets* monograms. All three of these styles come in other colors, too, because why the hell not, I’m really good at this, and I have nothing else to do. This is what happens when you have creative addictions. [*From “The Jetsons,” remember?]
I also have a number of new designs that would be swell for Father’s Day, such as these chic but semi-boring polka dots and stripes — like buying a necktie for dad’s phone! — and very cool photorealistic wood that reminds me of a log cabin.

We have another dead celebrity for you. Former 1950s hearththrob Julius La Rosa, 86, died of natural causes at his home in Crivitz, Wisconsin. La Rosa was a pop singer known for Italian hits such as “Eh, Cumpari.” He began his career on the Arthur Godfrey show and got fired on the air in 1953 when Godfrey got sick of La Rosa’s inflated ego.
La Rosa wound up marrying Perry Como’s personal secretary after an appearance on his TV show. He landed his own variety show in 1955, appeared on assorted other TV shows in the 1950s and 60s, and was nominated for a Daytime Emmy in 1980 for best supporting actor on the TV soap “Another World.”  Wow, right?

I want to continue typing all night long but I already know I’m not going to make it due to skin pain. The backs of my thighs are SCREAMING, pinching and burning like crazy. This is the shittiest, most horrible pain in the world. No matter what I do, it doesn’t go away unless I lie down on the chaise! So I’d better type fast before I have to get the hell out of here.

My next subject? Sarah Palin, the former half-term governor of Alaska and failed 2008 vice presidential candidate who continues to pop up on TV news programs spouting COMPLETE BULLSHIT, this time about immigration. Because in Alaska she has so many serious issues with immigrants. In a recent interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper, Palin provided an earful of her typical word salad.
“Let me tell you what happened to me the other day while I was in the supermarket,” Palin said during the interview. “I was in there, doing my regular shopping like any other day, and I remember I couldn’t find the type of cereal I normally buy all the time, so I asked the guy who was filling the shelves next to me if he would be kind enough to check whether they had some more in storage out in the back. And that’s when it all started.”

She went on talk about how pretty soon the entire supermarket “echoed in the shouts of foreign employees talking to each other in their native languages” and how “I suddenly felt like I was in a completely foreign country.” “I mean, I couldn’t even tell what the language was, it sounded kind of Arabic. I left the supermarket in a state of shock.”

Muslims are stocking supermarket shelves in Alaska? Really, Sarah? You’re a fucking idiot. 

She continued with an unbelievable rant about possible-Muslim grocery store employees maybe drop-kicking her meat and vegetables  or poisoning everything with their polluted immigrant hands, that she feels like a minority in her own country because everybody is speaking Arabic and Spanish, and of course “we cannot sit idly by and let our culture be usurped. I’m here to tell you that American is the language that everybody in this country is going to have to use 24/7, the way it’s been done for thousands of years. Don’t mess with Uncle Sam or else Uncle Sam is going to start messing with your native country, and it’s probably going to include nukes of some sort. Just ask Japanese-Americans!”

So ... is Palin claiming that the U.S. bombed Hiroshima because the Japanese refused to speak English? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!

I have to lie down now. Bye.

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