Saturday, April 30, 2016

If you eliminate politics from your blog during an election year you’re pretty much left with nothing.

I desperately wanted a cheeseburger last night when Sam got home from work ... and I got my wish! Sam made it for me all by himself with a Costco tasty frozen pre-grilled Angus beef patty and a matching jumbo bun from Wal-Mart. I like mine with melty pepper jack cheese, ketchup, dill pickle chips, a decent slab of tomato if we have one. Also once in a while a little mayonnaise. You know, like on a Whopper. I have a nice life.

In case you give a crap I’ve got a Saturday morning kvetch report to share with you. I’m actually doing not too bad right now when you consider how lousy I felt when I woke up moderately nauseated at 8:30 and then moaned and grunted my way to the bathroom for my first pish du jour. Two hours later my meds have kicked in — Gabapentin, Turmeric, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and a large dose of Norco — and I’m enjoying a cold can of diet ginger ale with a napkin. For the moment my only complaints include mildly burning skin on the back of both thighs and pain in my left heel. The latest Shit-O-Meter readout appears below. (Click the “details” button for more information, okay?)

It’s 12:30 on a mild and pleasant Saturday afternoon, Sam is out for a walk and I’m situated at my desk in the study with insulin and a little tub of Maruchan yakisoba instant beef teriyaki noodles. These are the best instant noodles EVER [check out my product review from back on April 22] and go nicely with plastic cutlery and diet ginger ale in a can. The rest of my Saturday will include all of the following activities:

TWO NAPS AND ASSORTED MOVIES. The naps will be at least three hours in duration and the movies will include such treats as Arsène Lupin Returns (1938), a terrific mystery starring Melvyn Douglas and Warren William; Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1959) starring Walter Pidgeon, Barbara Eden and Peter Lorre as a scientist who stands hip-deep in a tub of water teaching sharks how to walk (seriously); and Rasputin and the Empress (1932) featuring all three Barrymores (Ethel, Lionel and John) plus Ralph Morgan in a hammy yet unintentionally hilarious story about the doomed Romanov family and a psychotic Russian Orthodox priest (Lionel, in an atrocious wig) who used them in a power grab and then got murdered in one of the longest and most entertaining death scenes ever put on film. Lionel Barrymore was poisoned by evil cupcakes, bludgeoned, kicked, shot, stabbed, choked and drowned. It was fabulous!
NICE THINGS TO EAT. I want a turkey sandwich for dinner on low-carb pumpernickel and half a bag of Russell Stover’s sugar-free Blueberry Fruit Bites. I can’t think of anything else except for drugs maybe.

MORE NEW PRODUCTS FOR THE HOWDYGRAM STORE. I’m considering a series of photorealistic wood smartphone cases with ritzy monograms and a few more luggage tags, passport covers and padfolios because these are all excellent gift ideas for Mother’s Day and graduations. Incidentally, if you’ve never seen The Howdygram Store you should stop by. Thank you.

Actress Madeleine Sherwood, 93, died today as a really old woman at her home in Quebec. She started out in show business by hitchhiking to New York in 1949 and sleeping on a park bench with day-old dinner rolls; the high spots of her career included the role of snotty Sister Woman in the film Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) starring Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor and as Reverend Mother in 82 episodes of “The Flying Nun” (1967–70) starring Sally Field.
During the McCarthy era Sherwood was blacklisted as a suspected Communist sympathizer after appearing in Tennessee Williams’ “The Crucible” in 1953. In the late 1950s and 1960s she worked in the civil rights movement with Martin Luther King, Jr., traveled to the South to join CORE (the Congress on Racial Equality) and was arrested during a Freedom Walk, jailed, and sentenced to six months of hard labor — HARD LABOR?! — for “endangering the customs and mores of the people of Alabama.” Holy shit. Who knew?!

Madeleine Sherwood wrote and directed one of her own films in the 1980s, was married, divorced and had one daughter. Also, she was a Quaker. (I have no idea what that means.)

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but I’ve been trying NOT to write about politics as much as usual because POLITICS MAKES ME SICK. I can’t stand Donald Trump, I can’t stand Ted Cruz, I’m fed up with the hate and bigotry, and I’m not too thrilled with Bernie Sanders, either. (I think it’s his face.) Unfortunately, if you eliminate politics from your blog during an election year you’re pretty much left with NOTHING, which explains why you’re getting extra Shit-O-Meter reports and detailed descriptions of senior citizen meals.
I apologize if I’m driving you crazy. I have to lie down now.

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