Friday, April 22, 2016

Happy Pesach from Sam, Marcy and Moses, y’all.

Please allow me to wish y’all a very happy Passover, okay? Even though Sam and I aren’t especially observant — okay, fine ... we’re not observant AT ALL — Passover has always been one of my favorite Jewish holidays because the whole family can get into the swing of things, such as asking the “four questions,” hiding (and subsequently finding) the matzo, opening the door for Elijah while keeping an eye on the cat, taking turns reading from the Haggadah, chugging wine and so on. Plus you get to eat HORSERADISH AND MACAROONS!
Sam and I will enjoy the second seder Saturday night with my adorable best friend Sandi, her equally-adorable daughters Danielle and Melissa and their significant others via Face Time because I don’t leave the house any more and they’re all in Chicago, anyway. Face Time is the perfect solution. (Playing hide the matzo ought to be a real trip.)

This has been the most amazing goddamn day I can ever remember in the history of the western hemisphere. Below are the salient details for those of you who give a crap.

MY TASTY INSTANT NOODLES HAVE LANDED. I’m referring to Maruchan’s Yakisoba Teriyaki Beef Home-Style Japanese Instant Noodles that nuke in their own black bowl with TWO STIR-IN FLAVOR PACKETS. I ordered an eight-pack from on April 20 for only seven bucks with free speedy delivery. My senior citizen food review will appear later in this post, but for now I’ll sum it up in one word: HOLY CRAP, THESE ARE FANTASTIC! (Okay, sue me. It’s five words and a comma.)

I JUST ORDERED A BRAND NEW REPLACEMENT CHAISE because I’m a large senior citizen with a lot of chronic pain who tends to make a substantial dent in upholstered furniture ... even very expensive upholstered furniture. Therefore first thing this morning I called Macy’s to reorder the best chair on earth so I can continue to sleep and watch Margaret Rutherford murder mysteries in complete and utter comfort. Delivery is scheduled for Wednesday, May 11. I am unbelievably excited, trust me. Plus the chaise was on sale ($400 off), and this time we purchased Macy’s excellent extended warranty.
I’LL NEVER LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO USE ALL THESE BACKGROUNDS but I can’t wait to give it my best shot! Early this morning I discovered a terrific design studio on offering a gigantic blowout of swell digital background collections that I can use to make cards and products for The Howdygram Store ... i.e., if you buy 50 collections they’re only 20¢ apiece instead of $2.90. That’s not a typo ... only FIVE BUCKS for 50 collections that include 12 to 18 high-resolution files each! Oh my God, right?! So I loaded my shopping cart with every collection I could get my mouse on and then spent an hour and a half downloading, opening and organizing eleventy million zip files. (Samples appear below for your possible interest.) No kidding, I’m so fucking happy I just ate half a bag of Russell Stover’s sugar-free Blueberry Bites!

Yum yum, everybody ... today I ate the best instant noodles EVER! I’m referring to the aforementioned Maruchan’s Yakisoba Teriyaki Beef Home-Style Japanese Instant Noodles for handicapped senior citizens who can’t stand up in the kitchen to cook things. Maruchan’s noodles sell for about 78¢ when you’re lucky enough to find them in the grocery store. I had to buy mine online but I’m not complaining because I spent only $7.12 for an eight-pack on (Amazon sells them, too.) I am pleased to award Maruchan’s Yakisoba Teriyaki Beef Home-Style Japanese Instant Noodles with the Howdygram’s coveted five-chopper rating.
So here’s what you get. A pleasant plastic container with dry yakisoba noodles and two separate add-in packets. The veggie packet gets sprinkled on the dry noodles before you add water and nuke the bowl; the powdered sauce packet is a stir-in afterwards. THIS IS THE BEST INSTANT SAUCE I’VE EVER TASTED. The finished product actually reminds me of restaurant-quality noodles, and you get a truly easy and speedy senior citizen feast for less than a buck without calling Meals on Wheels or asking a relative (such as Sam) to help you. God bless Maruchan and God bless my teeny desktop microwave. Seriously.

You may or may not be aware that President Obama and Mrs. President Obama — POTUS and FLOTUS — were in England yesterday to celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday and meet the cutest 2½-year-old future king who ever lived, little Prince George himself, who got to stay up past his regular bedtime to greet America’s first couple wearing a monogrammed white bathrobe and matching pajamas. (Oy. I could eat him up.) The rocking horse was a gift from the Obamas when George was born.

I have another dead celebrity to share with you tonight, although I’m pretty sure you already know he died because people are making a rather large hoo-hah out of it. I refer, of course, to Prince, 57, a musician I know nothing about in any way whatsoever. And I’m pretty sure I don’t even know any of his songs. This is because Prince was weird, goony, very teeny, “gender fluid” (what?) and strange as hell. He reminds me of Little Richard except with puffier hair.
Prince pioneered “the Minneapolis sound” (bored Scandinavians eating fish?) that apparently earned him seven Grammy Awards and 30 nominations. Five of his singles topped the charts and 14 other songs hit the Top 10. Prince also won an Oscar for the original song score for the film Purple Rain. He died at home earlier today after complaints about feeling sick and being treated for dehydration. Other facts of interest: Prince was a Jehovah’s Witness and a vegetarian.

You may now resume your regular routine.

Sam has been unconscious in the family room for the last five hours. He had Friday off work for a vacation day and filled it with all of his favorite activities, such as a long walk, getting a haircut, not eating lunch, sitting on the patio, opening a stack of Amazon deliveries and (of course) sleeping. The last time I saw him awake he was watching The Wizard of Oz (1939) starring Judy Garland and a couple hundred Munchkins. Maybe I should join him.

Thank you for reading this!

No comments: