Thursday, February 4, 2016

Republican assholes, a senior citizen food review, another dead celebrity and more free fonts!

Know what? While I wait for Sam to get home from Costco with a trunkload of the usual suspects — i.e., teeny tacos, spicy guacamole cups, Cape Cod chicken salad with mooshed up cranberries, trash bags, breakfast burritos, frozen spring rolls and a dozen yoooge muffins — this is the perfect time to move forward with an amazing fruit-filled Howdygram post featuring BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS, REPUBLICAN ASSHOLES, a SENIOR CITIZEN FOOD REVIEW, another DEAD CELEBRITY and MORE FREE FONTS! I know you’re already as excited as I am, so let’s get started, okay?

Today’s breaking medical news: THE PRESSURE SORES ON THE BACK OF MY THIGHS ARE HEALED and this is the first time in three weeks I haven’t been bound-up with gauze pads and calcium alginate dressing and four-inch wide surgical tape. I’m finally done with all the hoo-hah and no more visiting nurses. Oy, what an experience! Unfortunately I still have an ongoing issue with hyper-sensitive skin from diabetic neuropathy, but without those leaking pressure sores my life is a lot more comfortable. Fuckity doo-dah, people!

In my ongoing quest to find the perfect speedy and easy-to-fix meals for handicapped senior citizens like yours truly I’m slowly discovering all the incredible, convenient 21st century convenience products I’ve never seen before. Due to an endless list of mobility issues I haven’t set foot inside a supermarket since 2009 and the only way I know what’s new is by running into great shit by accident on Wal-Mart’s website. (I used to look at grocery store ads in the local newspaper but who bothers with newspapers any more? We sure don’t.)

So that brings me to today’s review. Even though Chef Boyardee Spaghetti & Meatballs have probably been around since cavemen I didn’t know until recently that it came in adorable little 7½-ounce microwaveable tubs. I’ve got a teeny 700-watt microwave on my desk in the study because I can’t stand long enough to make food in the kitchen any more and occasionally want a nice hot meal when Sam is at work. Chef Boyardee sells comfort food AND THIS STUFF IS REALLY GOOD, the two meatballs are quite nice and everything nukes in 60 seconds. I’m giving Chef Boyardee Spaghetti & Meatballs a four-chopper rating. I deducted one chopper because they’re a little too generous with the red sauce and I feel stupid eating spaghetti with a teaspoon.

Before I get into politics — pathetic Jeb Bush videos! comical Donald Trump tweets! Clown Car dropouts! — please permit me to post today’s 100% FREE FONTS in case this is your favorite Howdygram feature. I’ve only got three today due to not spending much time browsing on Wednesday plus I think I’ve already downloaded every font from that I like.

Anyway, here they are. I’ll include download links after the graphic.

And now for my favorite section ... news from the 2016 Republican Clown Car! I’ve got a few hot stories even though you’ve probably read them elsewhere by now. To begin, three seriously disliked GOP goons have finally suspended their presidential campaigns after realizing they have zero voter support and zero money to continue hauling their sorry asses all over middle America. I refer to Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Rand Paul.
MIKE HUCKABEE — a certified wad of dried Arkansas dung, stalwart pal of the repulsive Duggar family and apologist for their child-abusing son — will most likely continue his pizza-and-handshake tour anyway because: 1) he really likes pizza; and 2) he’s still plugging his last book, God, Guns, Grits and Gravy. Holy shit.
After snagging votes from three or four former fetuses in the Iowa caucus, RICK SANTORUM — the ferociously anti-choice, anti-birth control candidate — announced an end to his sad campaign and the decision to throw his valuable support behind thirsty third-place loser Marco Rubio.
However, when asked over and over to name a single one of Senator Rubio’s accomplishments while serving five years as a United States senator from Florida, Santorum came up with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” earlier today. He tiptoed around the question for several minutes but finally concluded that “I guess it’s hard to say there are accomplishments” when a junior senator is working in a government “where nothing gets done.” Co-host Mika Brzezinski said the conversation with Santorum was “disturbing.” Damn right. Rubio doesn’t even show up in the Senate to VOTE.

RAND PAUL is retreating back to Kentucky to work on his campaign for the Senate. Yes, friends, he was running for BOTH OFFICES simultaneously, which is technically illegal in Kentucky but what the fuck, why not let the weirdo with the dead chinchilla on his head do whatever the hell he wants.

Now let’s turn our attention to DONALD J. TRUMP, the sorest goddamn loser in the history of America, who’s threatening to sue Iowa for his loss to Ted Cruz. He also wants a caucus do-over because fairness.
Basically, in an endless Twitter storm that began Tuesday morning Trump is accusing Cruz of fraud for sending a bullshit government lookalike mailer to freak out voters and for lying during the caucus about Ben Carson suspending his campaign. Oy, Donald ... if you’re going to have a brain hemorrhage please be sure to spread out a yooge and classy dropcloth first, okay?

And finally we have JEB BUSH, the saddest nebbish who’s ever run for public office. Jeb is such a clueless jerk he’s making Dubya look like Einstein. And he’s even changed his campaign slogan three times in six months hoping something will click with voters. Here’s the latest:
For your possible interest I’d like to share this pair of recent video clips to help you grasp the downward spiral of Jeb’s presidential ambitions. Low expectations are “mission accomplished” (in the first video) and begging the audience to applaud (in the second).

I’ll wrap up today’s post with another dead celebrity. We’re mourning the loss of pop culture satirist Bob Elliott, 92, who was one-half of the successful comedy duo Bob and Ray. Elliott passed away this week at age 92. His partner Ray Goulding died in 1990.
Elliott portrayed the dull-witted man-on-the-street reporter Wally Ballou, “winner of 16 diction awards.” He played Arthur Sturdley, crabby host of a “no-talent” show. He was the pitchman for Einbinder Flypaper, “the brand you’ve gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations.” Elliott and Goulding were among the drollest and most inventive pop-culture satirists of their generation as writers, producers and actors over the course of five decades. Johnny Carson LOVED these guys and they were frequent guests on “The Tonight Show.” And Bob and Ray were icons for comic entertainers like Woody Allen, David Letterman, Jonathan Winters, Al Franken and “Saturday Night Live” creator Lorne Michaels

I don’t know if there are any Bob and Ray videos on YouTube but it’s worth doing the research because their material was AMAZING. For instance, here are some of their unforgettable commercial parodies:
  • The United States Post Office ... “Makers and distributors of stamps.”
  • Cool Canadian Air ... “Packed fresh every day in the Hudson Bay and shipped to your door.”
  • Grime ... “The magic shortening that spreads like lard.”
  • The United States Mint ... “One of the nation’s leading producers of genuine U.S. currency.”
  • Penuche ... “With or without nuts, the greatest name in fudge.”
  • Kretchford Braid and Tassel ... “Next time you think of braid or tassel, rush into your neighborhood store and shout, KRETCHFORD!”
Rest in peace, Bob. And thank you for reading this!

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