Monday, December 21, 2015

Jeb Bush is happy that his campaign is circling the drain. Because now for sure he’ll get to be President.

Good morning, shalom, howdy-do and what’s cookin’ from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s almost 10 p.m. and I’ve been busy tonight mostly browsing for new fonts — oy, I’m so goddamn addicted! — in addition to eating a tasty little instant mashed potato cup, taking a variety of drugs and participating in my monthly Clots “R” Us do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

In case you’re wondering what the fuck is a do-it-yourself blood clot clinic, I’m a heart patient taking Coumadin — a blood thinner — to prevent kicking the bucket from a stroke, and every month I need a blood test to monitor my clotting time so it stays within a specific range. However I also have a lot of mobility problems that make it nearly impossible to cram my lousy knees into a car, drive 90 seconds to the lab at Baylor Family Health Center and wait for Sam to wrestle my oversized wheelchair out of the trunk, so back in March I bouight a CoaguChek XS meter kit (the same meter they use at my doctor’s office) and do my monthly testing at home. Today’s reading was 2.6. Perfect again. Yay right?

As mentioned way back in the first paragraph of this post I’VE GOT MORE FUCKING FABULOUS NEW FONTS. Look how cool these are! Links appear below the graphic in case you want to download any or all of them for your own collection. Seriously, these are some of the snazziest fonts ever, especially the ones that include ornaments, doodads and dozens of alternate capital letters, curlicues and swashy things such as Storefront Pro, Boldy, Cattleya Script, Vizels and Voyage. Hoo boy!

If you’ve been paying any attention to the pathetic Jeb Bush campaign and wondering why the fuck he’s even bothering with this, wonder no more! Jeb has finally revealed that he really doesn’t want to win at all and actually thinks winning SUCKS. In an interview Sunday night on “Face the Nation” Jeb told John Dickerson he was miserable being the GOP’s frontrunner six months ago — Jeb was the frontrunner? did I sleep through that? — and is so much happier where he is right now: CIRCLING THE DRAIN.

When Dickerson asked why is circling the drain better, Bush launched into a Sarah Palinesque word salad that began as follows: “I’ve always thought that there was going to be a high expectation for me because I have a brother that was president and a father that was president. And that higher expectation was important to realize. And so being the frontrunner made me feel like people were going to begin to say I’m just dancing right through this.”
Maybe that’s how it felt for you, Jeb, but nobody was saying that at all. Fuck, we were pointing and laughing at your miserable failure of a campaign even before you officially tanked into the shallow end of the GOP primary. And despite your well-respected last name and the billions of dollars stored up in various super-PAC piggy banks, it was awkwardly obvious from the get-go that there would be no dancing right through anything. Just a lot of tripping and stuttering and cringing, because Jesus Christ already, man, just stop embarrassing yourself like that.

But Bush’s best quote of the night was yet to come. When asked if he still has a chance to win the Republican nomination, he said: “I have to go earn it. I have higher expectations on me than people have of me. So it doesn’t bother me a bit that the expectations are high. And I want to win, which means that you garner momentum when it matters. And so I feel good about where we are right now.”

Holy shit, you have to love that famous Bush family strategy. If you want to win, head straight for the bottom. Let all those other candidates struggle with the pressure and high polling numbers and expectations, while clever Jeb races to the safe single digits so that he can earn his way back to the top. And he’s positive it’s totally going to happen. Seriously. It’s all part of that glorious “Jeb Can Fix It” plan we’ve heard so much about, which first required “a few weeks of bad polls.” Jeb’s still working on that part, but as soon as he’s done showing everyone what a big sad loser he is, well, he’s on his way to the White House!

Oy, God forbid.

I’ve got a quarterly checkup tomorrow morning with Dr. M that definitely won’t be routine, because this is the first time Sam and I will be traveling via STAR Transit, Mesquite’s local bus service for senior citizens and handicapped residents in wheelchairs. STAR Transit is cheap and convenient, and they drive you to your medical appointment and then come back to take you home. I’m a little nervous, of course, because new things tend to freak me out, but riding STAR Transit has to be better than hauling me in and out of our car and watching Sam wrestle with my bariatric wheelchair. Please stay tuned for a complete review, okay?

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