I never leave the house, I don’t have any friends and I don’t drink. Hell, I don’t even wear shoes.

It’s 9:30 p.m. and I’ve got 90 minutes to spend with you if I want to finish this Howdygram post before Sam gets home from work. I’m up to the challenge. I’ve got a nice hot cup of Wal-Mart tea and a full bottle of Norco. God bless drugs.

This has been a strange day. I took a two-hour nap before lunch and a two-hour nap after lunch, but when I woke up at 4:45 I was so dizzy I shlepped myself to the bathroom to empty the only active organ in my entire body and then headed straight back to the chaise in the family room for another three hours of blessed unconsciousness. Unfortunately, it just dawned on me that I left my cell phone on the side table next to the chaise, so when Sam calls at 11:15 to tell me he’s on his way home from work he’ll assume I’m either: 1) lying on the floor; or 2) out drinking somewhere with friends, such as a karaoke bar.

Okay, I might be exaggerating regarding item number two. I never leave the house, I don’t have any friends and I don’t drink. Hell, I don’t even wear shoes.

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Saw this picture today on Americans Against the Republican Party’s Facebook page and thought you might get a kick out of one homeless dude’s winning strategy for achieving financial success. Is this a great idea, or what? MAZEL TOV, BRILLIANT HOMELESS DUDE!

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The Howdygram has another tasty instant meal option for handicapped senior citizens like yours truly who can’t stand up and horse around in the kitchen any more. Tonight I’d like to review Betty Crocker’s very tasty Bowl Appétit Three-Cheese Rotini. I realize that Bowl Appétit pasta thingies have been around for a while, but I haven’t set foot in a supermarket since 2009 and just heard about them for the first time a couple of weeks ago on Amazon. So please bear with me.

Bowl Appétit’s Three-Cheese Rotini might be the best-tasting instant mac & cheese on the market and therefore it deserves our coveted five-chopper rating. You add hot water — about two cups — to an easy-to-see “fill ledge,” stir, and nuke the bowl on high for four minutes. That’s all there is to it. By the time you’re through nuking the sauce is already thick and you don’t have to wait to start eating. Now that I’ve got a teeny microwave on my desk in the study I can make dinner for myself when Sam isn’t home and I’m not falling over from low blood sugar any more.

Bowl Appétit is available in other flavors besides the Three-Cheese Rotini but I’m not sure I’d bother trying them because this one is so damn good and I’ve got limited space on my desk for groceries. You’re welcome.