Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Just fix my goddamn email and let’s move on.

Hi. It’s almost midnight and I’ve been considering what time I should go to bed. It probably doesn’t matter, though ... I’m always interrupted after four hours for a middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and wind up right here at my desk to horse around with the Howdygram. I guess it’s your lucky day after all!

I am grieved to admit that absolutely NOBODY entered our big autumn prize giveaway a couple of weeks ago, so I thought I’d better try again because I’d like to get this crap out of my house once and for all. So ... everybody please enter to win your choice of a CLASSIC HOWDYGRAM MOUSE PAD or a CLASSIC HOWDYGRAM CHEAP WHITE TEE SHIRT* (size XL only). Just enter right now via email and don’t forget to let us know if you want a mouse pad or tee shirt. Winners will be announced on October 15. Thank you!
*Tee shirt was modeled by President Obama.

I love spicy freeze-dried entrees as much as the next desperate senior citizen, but I think Mountain House missed the mark with their Mexican Style Rice with Chicken. Basically it tastes like somebody used one too many packages of a dry seasoning mix. The sauce was gritty and intense, I detected a couple of weird olives and the rice was CRUNCHY. Also ... beans?!

For all the reasons outlined above the Mexican Style Rice with Chicken only gets a two-chopper rating. If you’re looking for a terrific Tex-Mex flavor profile I highly recommend the Mountain House Chili Mac instead, which I reviewed yesterday [read post].

I’m having email tsouris today. I’ve been trying to send a friendly and smoochy happy birthday email to my best girlfriend Sandi and the messages keep bouncing back marked “undeliverable.” WHAT THE FUCK? After trying at least half a dozen times last night and again all morning, I finally contact my email provider (Mail.com) to ask for their help. They respond by requesting a copy-and-paste of the “full email header” from my original message and also from the bounceback to help them figure out what’s what. This has happened before, by the way, and it always seems to involve Sandi’s address! I receive her emails but can’t send her any. So I just revived an old Yahoo account to use as an emergency backup, even though I hate Yahoo’s interface and hate sending messages in Helvetica. (I’m not a sans serif girl. Sue me.)

So when I wake up from my luxurious 5½-hour nap a few minutes ago I notice that I’m getting all kinds of error messages in my email software (Mac Mail) asking me to enter my password. I enter the password, it asks me to do it again. Over and over and over. So I go to Mail.com’s website and find out they’ve SHUT DOWN MY EMAIL ACCOUNT until I change my password, which explains all that “enter your password” horseshit from a few minutes ago. I change it. Then I see another request from Mail.com’s tech doofus asking for another copy-and-paste of the most recent bounceback message. I’m getting annoyed now. JUST FIX MY GODDAMN EMAIL AND LET’S MOVE ON.

Please stay tuned for additional updates as they become available. Thank you.

Great news for fans of cheap drug store chocolates ... there’s a BIG FAT SALE on Russell Stover’s website! You can save up to 25% off your entire order through October 4, such as MARSHMALLOW PUMPKINS and WEIRD CHOCOLATE TURKEYS and ROCK-HARD ASSORTMENTS! Personally, I’m a fan of Russell Stover’s sugar-free line because they’ve got knockoff sugar-free Reese’s peanut butter cups, sugar-free chocolate-covered peanuts and really exceptional sugar-free chocolate rabbits at Easter. Enjoy!

Even though he’s sixth in the polls and hasn’t got a rat’s-ass chance at the nomination, a few days ago Jeb Bush decided to announce his tax plan in an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal, promising TAX CUTS FOR EVERYBODY — where have we heard THAT bullshit before? — and “four percent growth.” Naturally, Jeb’s tax cuts would disproportionately favor only a certain segment of the populace. There will be fewer tax brackets, lower corporate tax rates, and a gigantic $3 million gift for himself.
In an interview on Sunday, Fox News’ Chris Wallace wasn’t buying the bullshit. “You gave your tax plan to four conservative economists who said that it would increase the deficit between 1 and 3 trillion dollars over the next ten years,” Wallace said. “You know what your dad called that?” Wallace asked. “Is this your version of voodoo economics?”

So Wallace laid out a few hard facts for Bush, whose comprehension skills seemed to be wavering. “The Tax Foundation says the middle class would see an after-tax income increase of 2.9%, but the top one percent would get a boost of 11.6%. An analysis of your own tax returns for the last six years which you have released to the public indicates that you would save under your tax plan $3 million dollars.”

“Does Jeb Bush need a $3 million tax cut?” Wallace asked.

“Look, the benefit of this goes disproportionately to the middle class,” Bush argued, even though facts already proved otherwise.

“It’s a 2.9% increase,” Wallace repeated, in case Bush had nodded off.

Bush finally dropped the Mister Nice Guy routine. “Because higher income people pay more taxes right now. Proportionally, everybody will get a benefit, but proportionally they’ll pay more with my plan than what they pay today.”

“Well, forgive me sir, but 2.9 is less than 11.6,” Wallace replied. Which was a polite way to say YOU STUPID FUCKING REPUBLICAN MORON, DO THE GODDAMN MATH!

And that, dear readers, is the end of this Howdygram post. Thank you for your support!

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