Monday, September 14, 2015

I’m definitely in favor of not washing a dish. Ask anybody.

Sam and his brother David — he’s visiting for the weekend! yay! — are in the kitchen eating waffles and coffee, and I’m in the study with an ice cold Diet Sunkist soda and Mountain House scrambled eggs in a bag with bacon. No kidding, people, these Mountain House freeze-dried whatnots are OUTSTANDING. It’s probably more economical to buy the giant gallon cans of this shit but then you’d have to wash a dish afterwards. I’m definitely in favor of NOT washing a dish. Ask anybody.

Even though I buy lots and lots of crapola online there’s one category that I tend to avoid — FURNITURE — and for very good reason. Unless it’s something simple, decorative and relatively cheap like a fake leather bench for the foot of the bed, nobody should ever invest serious money in furniture without sitting on it, punching the cushions and manhandling the fabric. But that’s what Ballard Designs expects you to do. They have a couple of retail showrooms in Florida, and suckers in the other 49 states are supposed to order overpriced sofas, leather headboards and dining room tables based on a couple of decent pictures. Ballard also sells overpriced bedding, overpriced office furniture, overpriced silly chairs, monstrously huge wall decor and a line of stupid doodads for entertaining by designer Bunny Williams, such as seashore-inspired silverplated place card holders and ridiculous salt & pepper things shaped like buckets. (Seriously, people, get a grip. Nobody needs this shit.)
For the record, Ballard’s seasonal catalog is highly recommended reading for the bathroom. Please sign up here to get yours in time for the holidays.

It’s barely 8 a.m. and I already know today’s going to suck enormously, pain-wise. The skin on the back of my thighs feels like a third-degree burn, my heels are killing me (plantar fasciitis), my knees are grinding and popping (arthritis), my eyes are watering and I want Sam to come inside from the patio and make me breakfast RIGHT NOW. (My favorite is a toasted English muffin with pepper jack cheese.) Here, for your possible interest, is my current Shit-O-Meter reading. I’m hoping for a drop later this morning — a 3 or 4, hopefully — because I just took a couple of prescription painkillers. GOD BLESS DRUGS!

And now ... guess what I just bought! Give up? NEW FLATWARE! Yee-haw! Over the weekend I decided it was time to dump the expensive crap I bought at Bed, Bath & Beyond nine years ago when we moved to Texas because all the handles have rust stains and I’m sick of looking at them already. So I found a swell new set of 18/10 everyday silverware from — Splendide Italia — at a really amazing price. I paid $71.99 for a 45-piece service for eight that’s selling everywhere else on the Internet for $103 and up. And it even includes AN ESSENTIAL FIVE-PIECE HOSTESS SET in case you have company and need a slotted doodad for pickles.

In case you haven’t noticed the graphic in the right sidebar, the Howdygram’s ABSURD AUTUMN GIVEAWAY is underway and we sincerely hope you’ll take a minute to enter at your earliest convenience. CLICK HERE. Our two awesome prizes include a “Thank You for Reading This” mouse pad and a 100% vinyl shower cap from Wal-Mart.
Thank you and good luck!

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