Saturday, August 29, 2015

Go make yourself a cheese sandwich.

Shalom, happy Saturday, what’s new and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! I’ve got a shitload of exciting topics and snide remarks to share with y’all today, so go make yourself a cheese sandwich and let’s get started.

I’ll be home alone for several days in September while my cook, caretaker, sexy life partner and best friend — Sam — is in California visiting friends and relatives. However, as a handicapped senior citizen with chronic pain, mobility issues and lousy knees who can’t stand up long enough to cook real food or nuke a couple of corn dogs, my dining options while Sam is away are typically limited to: 1) room-temperature pop-top cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli; or 2) starvation. So yesterday I decided it was high time to hunt around online for alternatives to canned ravioli.

Browsing on Wal-Mart’s website I discovered a line of products I’d never seen before because it’s basically targeted to campers: MOUNTAIN HOUSE FREEZE-DRIED MEALS in convenient ziploc pouches ... perfect for hungry senior citizens! Just pour in some really hot water, stir it up, zip the bag shut and wait nine minutes for a delicious immediate feast that tastes nothing like Chef Boyardee. Mountain House has beef stroganoff, chicken and noodles, beef stew, spaghetti and meat sauce, lasagna, macaroni and cheese, chicken teriyaki, scrambled eggs with ham or bacon ... and more. If you’re desperate enough — or you don’t want to rinse a dish — you can even eat right out of the goddamn bag. Think of it ... HOT FOOD IN A BAG!
I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. I ordered several pouches in different varieties so I can decide which ones I like best and they’ll all be here by Thursday. I’ve got my fork and napkins ready!

Yes, he’s definitely OBSESSED, and it goes way beyond the frightening, racist rhetoric about immigrants, the insults, the bullshit, the lies and exaggerations about his net worth, education, accomplishments and popularity, and his endless, childish trolling on Twitter. Therefore I thought you and your loved ones might enjoy the Huffington Post’s video mashup of Donald Trump discussing his favorite subject: “China.” What a baboon!

The homophobic head of an evangelical activist group in Texas has asked supporters to donate $25,000 so he can promote a law that has already been passed. Jonathan Saenz wants to inform more clergy members about Senate Bill 1065, which was signed into law by Governor Greg Abbott this past June. As the Texas Tribune reported at the time, the law allows pastors to opt out of marrying same-sex couples, and will go into effect on September 1.
In his fundraising email Saenz said pastors were “leaders of the resistance” in Texas and warned that the LGBT “occupying army” was out to identify “resistance leaders” and break their spirit. The funds would be used to inform state clergy of their right under the new law. What the fuck?

Saenz originally made the news last year after it was reported that his wife left him for another woman. He took over Texas Values six months later. He has also accused LGBT activists of wanting to create “concentration camps” to punish bakers who would not want to prepare wedding cakes for same-sex couples.

I have a few problems with this asshole and his fantasy scenario. First, Senate Bill 1065 was unnecesssary from the get-go since pastors will NEVER be expected to conduct wedding ceremonies for couples that violate the religious tenets of their faith. The marriage equality bill doesn’t even touch on this subject.

Second, it’s just flour and sugar and a couple of eggs, you blithering idiots. Nobody’s asking you to stay for the ceremony or kiss all the brides.

And finally, Texas has a persecution complex and never stops looking for reasons to be different from the rest of the country. This summer the GOP was positive we were in danger of invasion by the United States’ armed forces, and Governor Abbott pandered to their fears — he’s the dumbest tool of them all — when he assigned the Texas National Guard to “observe the Army” during the Jade Helm 15 training exercises, which turned out to be a ridiculous bridge to nowhere. Sort of like the old joke ... Woman to Old Bachelor, “You aren’t married?” Old Bachelor, “No, I run too fast.” Woman: “Have you ever checked to see if anybody’s chasing you?” Texas Republicans might want to check, too.

Thank you for reading this!

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