Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Barstool Palin is a pathological liar.

Hello, shalom, what’s new and how’s the family? Sam is still enjoying his week of “staycation,” and it’s another hot summer day here at Howdygram headquarters with zero rain and a high of 95° in case you give a shit. Today’s activities will include: 1) a healthy breakfast of Schwan’s corn dogs and a can of Diet Sunkist orange soda; 2) a phone conference with our attorney at 9 a.m. to discuss miscellaneous crap related to our will; 3) probably a couple of naps; 4) our maid will be here after lunch; and 5) FedEx is delivering my Wal-Mart butt wipes today. In other e-commerce news, last night I got my 12-pack of lobster ramen bowls and two boxes of Bausch & Lomb wipey towelette things (see below) from Wal-Mart, and yesterday’s new orders included toothpaste for Sam and a chrome over-the-cabinet towel bar for the master bath from Wal-Mart and Amazon, respectively. (This is an OUTSTANDING towel bar, people. We have one in the kitchen.)

And now I’d like to introduce the Howdygram’s newest special feature — DUBYA! — highlighting outrageous quotes from our halfwitted 43rd president. (His equally-halfwitted younger brother JEB! is currently riding around in the 2016 Republican clown car.) Enjoy!

Our latest Putz of the Week award is presented to Bristol “Barstool” Palin, former abstinence- only spokesbitch and street-brawling offspring of irritating Alaskan half-term governor Sarah Ferret-Face Quitterpants.

You may have noticed Barstool’s recent hoo-hah when she announced her second surprise pregnancy last week — still without the benefit of a Jesus-blessed marriage — by posting the following statement on her blog:

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

Plus, last month Barstool suddenly called off her engagement to Dakota Meyer less than a week before her Kentucky wedding shitshow, describing it as a “painful time.” (From this we’re assuming DAKOTA IS NOT THE FATHER.)
Bristol got so much flak on the Internet that she immediately issued a second statement slamming the media, libtard jerks and homos, claiming that her pregnancy was actually planned, she can’t wait to have another baby and fuck you. Therefore I have no problem whatsoever listing all the ways that Barstool Palin, who is a pathological liar, sucks.
  • She is constantly harping at gays, unwed mothers, celebrities, Lena Dunham, Barack Obama and Wendy Davis that their lives are an abomination and they should be better Jesus-centered people just like her, even though she sucks.
  • She stood up for child molester Josh Duggar, because she sucks.
  • She drunkenly cold-cocks people at parties and then cries Christian persecution. Did we mention that she sucks?
  • She actually cries victim A LOT.
  • She guilt-tripped her sister Willow into being an unpaid babysitting slave, because Willow, for some reason, did not have any school she needed to be attending at the age of 17. And what kind of self-respecting teen mom watches her own baby?
Just for the hell of it I’ll also throw in the following at no extra charge:
I hope Barstool names the new baby Trapp.

I will close this post with a couple of pictures from my niece Melissa. These are her children Tyler (7) and Addy (18 months). Oy. What a pair of cuties.
Thank you for reading this.

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