Friday, May 22, 2015

All I want to do is belch. Also, the Duggars are off the air!

I am NOT having a pleasant Friday evening in any way whatsoever, and it all hinges on SEVERE CHEST PAIN. No, I’m not having a heart attack even though it feels like one ... I JUST NEED TO BELCH. This happens to me every now and then, and the pain is atrocious and upsetting. I’m doubled over at my desk, I’ve got a pounding headache, I can’t catch my breath AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS BELCH. Holy crap. Somebody come over right away and thump my back for a few minutes, okay?!

The big news story of the day involves the Duggar family, that repulsive “19 Kids and Counting” cult of anti-abortion, anti-LBGT Bible-beaters from Arkansas with their own long-running reality show on The Learning Channel. Remarkably, TLC pulled the plug on the Duggars Friday afternoon when information was leaked that eldest son Josh, 27, sexually assaulted five of his younger sisters 12 years ago when he was a teenager, and his parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, had covered it up and refused to let their son receive therapy or speak to the authorities. An investigation found multiple victims in the Duggar home who claimed Josh had molested them.
Jim Bob, a former Republican state lawmaker and failed U.S. Senate candidate, posted on Facebook this week that his son had “made some very bad mistakes” but the experience had drawn the family “closer to God.” It was a full year later that Jim Bob took his son to meet with a state trooper and family friend, Jim Hutchens, who gave the teen a “very stern talk” but did not take any official action. Of course not. Because Hutchens is currently serving a 56-year prison sentence for child pornography!

Josh Duggar resigned yesterday from his public relations position with the anti-LGBT Family Research Council, which is designated as a HATE GROUP by the Southern Poverty Law Center.
Disgrace couldn’t have happened to a more deserving bunch of religious assholes. It’s just too bad that Josh Duggar won’t have to face any charges for his pedophilia (the statute of limitations in Arkansas is only three years) and his sisters will never receive the kind of counseling they need after being sexually abused ... and forced to forgive and continue living with their abuser! As a matter of fact, the Duggars’ religious cult BLAMES THE VICTIMS for situations like this and always assumes the little girls — regardless of their age — were immodest and/or flirtatious with their older brother. Holy shit, right?

But wait, there’s more to the story! Expressions of right-wing support for Josh Duggar and his molesty past are starting to drip in, because the overall narrative here is SIN AND REDEMPTION, since the Duggars have Jesus and you don’t.

Mike Huckabee, an Arkansas cornpone and friend of the Duggars who’s currently trying to squeeze into a seat in the 2016 Republican Clown Car, would like y’all to know that even though Josh Duggar Did A Nasty Thing, he is forgiven and all the people who are attacking the family now are just bloodthirsty Jesus-haters.

Obviously Huckabee doesn’t understand the reason why the Duggars are hated by so many good, decent Americans. It’s because they’re EXTREMELY anti-gay, they tell people that bestiality is the next step after homosexuality, that transgenders are going to rape their little girls in public bathrooms, and they portray an entire minority segment of the population as child predators. It’s not that people are “bloodthirsty,” but these right-wing shitbags shouldn’t go around baselessly calling entire groups of people child molesters, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE HIDING THEIR OWN CHILD-MOLESTING PAST.

Ironically, for the last several months Huckabee has been on the talk show circuit blasting Michelle Obama for allowing her teenage daughters to dress like sluts and listen to Beyoncé. But I suppose the Duggars looking the other way when their teenage son molests his little sisters is perfectly fine parenting.
I fear we have not heard the last of the fuckery going on in Duggarville, because the single biggest obstacle are the victims being shamed and hushed into silence. I think it’s long overdue for the FBI to swoop in and investigate this entire disgusting family, and they can start with removing every last one of those children from this oppressive, misogynistic hell-hole and take a good close look at the patriarch, who chose to protect his pedophile son’s freedom over the innocence of his own daughters. THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING PERVERTS AND SANCTIMONIOUS ASSHOLES.

Holy crap, sushi lovers ... health officials are investigating a salmonella outbreak linked to raw tuna that has sickened 53 people in nine states. The California Department of Public Health said Thursday that 31 of the cases are located there. Other affected states include Arizona, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, Virginia, Washington and Wisconsin. Ten people have been hospitalized. No deaths have been reported.
Salmonella is a bacteria and the most common source of food poisoning in the U.S. It causes diarrhea, cramping and fever. Health officials say the elderly, young children, pregnant women and people with weak immune systems should not eat raw fish or raw shellfish. The Howdygram recommends Cheetos and braunschweiger as safe substitutes.

I don’t know whether or not you have any interesting plans for the Memorial Day holiday weekend, but Sam and I are staying close to home for two excellent reasons: 1) we have to empty our kitchen cabinets and drawers to get ready for our big cabinet refacing hoo-hah that’s scheduled to commence on June 1; and 2) we’re expecting three days of intense rain and thunderstorms, so there’s no point venturing out of the house.
That’s about all for tonight, okay? I finally belched, I’m feeling much better and I can’t wait for Sam to get home from work. He’ll be here any minute now. Glorioski!

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