Friday, February 13, 2015

A lamp is still on in the family room and I don’t think I can walk that far to turn it off.

Happy Friday the 13th to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. I tried to find a compelling yet family-friendly graphic to include with this post, but sadly everything on the Internet related to Friday the 13th has been derailed by that repulsive horror movie franchise. You know, pictures of a woman with an ax in her head and some crazy asshole wearing a hockey mask.

Blecch. Let’s move on.

To celebrate Sam finally coming home on Sunday I decided to finally place the order in my shopping cart on Wal-Mart’s website. It was a BIG one, people, and included everything pictured in my post from February 9 in addition to the following essentials I decided to throw in at the last minute. (Stop laughing.)
I also readjusted my Amazon Subscribe & Save order for February, replacing the big canisters of McCormick regular poultry gravy and regular brown gravy with McCormick PREMIUM poultry and brown gravy — because I’m worth it! — and adding a shaker jar of True Lemon crystals.
Incidentally, if you’ve never tried Amazon Subscribe & Save you’re definitely missing the thrill of a lifetime. Not only do they let you choose how many, what size and how often, YOU ALSO GET AN EXTRA 15% OFF when you subscribe to five or more items a month. This is very easy to do (trust me) plus shipping is always free.

Here’s all the thrilling crap that’s cluttering my in-box right now!
  • There’s still time to save 25% on Valentine’s Day candy from Russell Stover’s website. Look, you can eat crap chocolate if you want to, but I sure don’t recommend it as a Valentine’s Day surprise for your signficant other. Think Godiva, okay?
  • Save 40% on shitty products from Vista Print, including their world-famous undersized business cards, cockeyed custom mouse pads, limp postcards and lopsided brochures. But at least they’re CHEAP, right?
  • What’s new for spring at Dollar Tree? Choose from: generally ugly cut-glass vases in a variety of useless colors; black glitter nail polish; knockoff Hershey kisses; kids’ Valentines; plastic praying angels; little cans of sliced jalapeños; plastic bats and baseballs; bags of fruit-flavored Tootsie rolls; all kinds cheesy plastic Easter bunnies; and yarn that looks like you crocheted yourself a mink coat. ALL FOR ONLY A BUCK!
  • Get a FREE HARD-TO-FIND SHANK BONE for your seder plate with any order from the KC Kosher Co-op. Unfortunately I already missed the Passover order deadline. Crap.
  • Order your Valentine a heart-shaped deep-dish Lou Malnati’s pizza from Tastes of Chicago. Lou Malnati’s ROCKS, people. 
  • Pizza Hut, bless their hearts, wants me to know you can never have too much cheese.
  • Happy fifth anniversary of my very first order of home-delivered frozen whatnots from Schwan’s. Schwan’s is so damn cheap they didn’t even include a happy anniversary discount. What the fuck?
  • AARP’s weekly webletter — which I’m positive I told them to stop sending because I don’t care about crap like this — includes all of the following irrelevant articles: 1) the top 15 most overlooked vacation spots around the globe; 2) the best supplements to take when you’re in your 70s; 3) old people are learning to dance, sing and draw; 4) a recipe for grilled vegetable pizza; and 5) win a vacation for six to Walt Disney World. Holy shit. TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST ALREADY. 
  • Save money for President’s Day from American Diabetes Wholesale. Because nothing celebrates the birth of George Washington’s like 20% off on insulin syringes.

It’s 4:28 a.m. and time (at last) to go to bed. Unfortunately, a lamp is still on in the family room and my feet hurt so bad right now I don’t think I can walk that far to turn it off! IT SUCKS TO BE OLD. Thank you for putting up with me.

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