Saturday, December 13, 2014

Senior citizens should never ignore a craving for greasy fish.

It’s 3:30 Saturday morning. I tried to go to bed at 2 with Sam but I never fell asleep because I’m feeling especially crappy right now. My current complaints include: 1) foot pain; 2) shin pain; 3) a repulsive wet rash in various locations on my body; and 4) I think that’s enough. If I get really tired at some point I might migrate to the chaise in the family room, but for now I’ll just hang out here with you. Thank you for putting up with me.

Show of hands. DO YOU SHOP ONLINE? And if you do, HOW OFTEN? I’m an Amazon Prime member and shop at least two or three times a week for every kind of wonderful merchandise you can imagine, whether it’s underwear or inkjet cartridges or Hormel canned tamales. I shop on Wal-Mart’s website, too, mostly for Tide Pods, rash cream, toilet paper, wash, cheap Clif bars and canned tuna. I got addicted a few years ago after I couldn’t walk any more and had to stop dragging my body into stores.

I especially love FedEx and UPS showing up at the front door every day. It’s almost like I have real friends.

Yesterday I received a six-pack of Heinz reduced sugar ketchup from Amazon; today I’m expecting two nine-roll packs of Charmin, Bounty select-a-size paper towels, Epson 5" x 7" photo paper, two bottles of Wal-Mart’s store brand Imodium knockoff and a sheet of Christmas stamps from On Sunday — yes, Amazon delivers on SUNDAY in Texas! — I’m supposed to get the order I placed Friday afternoon: a big box of Epson 4" x 6" photo paper and 100 extremely cheap A4-size (4¼" x 6¼") peel & stick white envelopes.
Unfortunately, part of my last Wal-Mart order has been lost in transit and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell’s going on. I contacted customer service a couple of days ago, they agreed the carton couldn’t be traced and said they’d reship my order for two bottles of Dial Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily body wash, pictured at left for your possible interest. Except Wal-Mart never sent an email confirmation for the second shipment with tracking information, so I don’t know if they’re being weasels or actually shipped my merchandise. I might have to swing by the closest Wal-Mart today and smack a few managers with my cane. And maybe on the way home we can stop at Long John Silver’s because I have desperate need for greasy fish. SENIOR CITIZENS SHOULD NEVER IGNORE A CRAVING FOR GREASY FISH.
Thank you for reading this.

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