Monday, December 29, 2014

Happy New Year. Don’t freeze your ass off.

As if I needed another reason not to leave the house, we’re expecting some genuinely repulsive winter weather around here for New Year’s. The repulsive forecast pictured below includes repulsively cold temperatures starting NewYear’s Eve, SHITTY FREEZING RAIN on New Year’s Day and even more shitty rain on January 2. Plus, as an extra bonus at no additional charge, January 3 is lookin’ mighty shitty, too. Therefore Sam and I hereby announce our firm holiday plans to STAY HOME AND EAT A LOT OF FOOD, and to help prepare for our face-stuffing adventure Sam is already on his way to Costco with a neatly-typed list of favorites. Please pray for teeny tacos. They were out of them before Christmas.

I’ve got good news, people. The new season of “Hardcore Pawn” premiers tonight on TruTV, and I hope you won’t miss this opportunity to see screaming inner-city morons get dragged out of a store by 300-pound security guards. Pictured below are Seth, Les and Ashley, although this can’t be a current picture because Ashley’s been putting on weight.

And finally, I regret to inform you that 244,000 pounds of meat products have been recalled in Texas by the U.S. Department of Agriculture due to “misbranding” — whatever the hell THAT means — and undeclared peanut allergens in seasoning.

The recalled meat includes 85,000 pounds of peanut-contaminated chorizo sausage at H-E-B markets, 190,450 pounds of porky stuff and chorizo manufactured by Garcia Foods in San Antonio, and 45,904 pounds of beef and chicken taco filling, prepared chili and seasoned ground beef from Dallas based J & B Sausage Company, which was mostly shipped to the Garland Independent School District. Holy crap! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

For more details please call H-E-B at 1-800-432-3113, Garcia Foods at 210-349-6262 extension 224, or Bonnie Hyman at J & B Sausage Company at 830-203-9002. Or better yet, just throw this crap away and order a pizza.

Thank you.

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