Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy Hanukkah to you and yours.

First of all, Happy Hanukkah to you and yours from ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY at Howdygram headquarters. This would include: 1) me; 2) Sam; and 3) I think that’s it. May your holiday be filled with latkes and applesauce!

I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that Governor Rick “Hairdo” Perry is the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week again. (In his honor I’ve considered renaming this award Our Daily Dump.) This time the Lone Star State’s Bible-humping governor made news by deciding to Say Something Nice to the Jews by comparing Hanukkah to the Boston Tea Party, which was started by Jesus and the Founding Fathers in 1773.
In his annual holiday greeting to Texas’ token Jews — and expanding beyond his typical level of holy-fuckery — Perry jumped hip-deep into the Festival of Lights with this patriotic ecumenical word salad, his official message for the Jewish version of Christmas, which he wrote all by himself with a little help from his English-to-Pandering dictionary:

It is fitting that the first night of Hanukkah falls this year on the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. The same spirit of freedom that inspired the Maccabees to rise up against a foreign empire motivated our Founding Fathers to rebel against the Crown on that fateful night. They knew, as the Jewish people know, that the few can overcome the many, that right can defeat might, that faith can transcend persecution. No matter how vast the darkness, all it takes is one candle to spread the light. 

Our Republic, like the light of the ancient Menorah, has lasted longer than anyone could have predicted. America remains a beacon of hope in difficult times for the world. And Hanukkah reminds us of the power of faith to sustain a nation and ensure the security of our ally, Israel.

And now Rick Perry — the simple child of Texas — will ask the Four Questions, and if he can remember at least three of them it will be a miracle. Let’s all put on our y’all-mulkes and throw mazel tov cocktails at the statehouse in Austin!

But wait ... there’s more! A news item today in the Texas Tribune indicates that the regents of Texas A&M University, established in 1876 and the fourth-largest institution of higher education in the United States, will meet Thursday to decide whether or not to name the school’s most venerated building, pictured below, after Rick Perry, ’72, 2.2 GPA.
It may interest you to know (but not surprise you in any way whatsoever) that all ten of A&M’s regents were appointed by Perry, including a petroleum CEO, a former ExxonMobil president, an insurance and banking tycoon and the founder of the Young Conservatives of Texas. Therefore the regents will most likely give Perry a permanent place of honor on campus by renaming the Academic Building the “Governor Rick Perry ’72 Building.” They will also consider a resolution honoring Perry for his “outstanding dedication and service” as the longest-serving — and stupidest — governor in Texas history.

This is quite an honor for an entitled ROTC asshole majoring in Animal Science who failed “Organic Chemistry II,” got Ds in “Shakespeare,” “Writing,” “Animal Feeding,” “Basic Meats,” “Trigonometry” and “Principles of Economics” but aced physical education and “World Military Systems,” where he excelled as a Nazi stormtrooper Douglas Neidermeyer doppelganger. (From Animal House, remember?)
Personally, I think Texas A&M voting to name a building after a self-righteous shitbag that BARELY GRADUATED and then built a career as a grifter who capitalized on the fearful and reactionary nature of his low-information constituency is thoroughly insulting to the principles of higher education. Believe what you will and value what you will ... but for fuck’s sake, HAVE SOME PRIDE IN HOW YOU NAME YOUR MAJOR BUILDINGS!

It’s already after 10 p.m. so I think I’ll hang out at my desk for a while and answer a few emails while I wait for Sam to get home from work. Thank you, as always, for putting up with me.

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