Amazon really fucked me up today.

Know what I love even more than a three-hour afternoon nap? THIS: Writing a post for the Howdygram. It’s therapeutic, creative, soul-cleansing and excellent goddam entertainment for you and the family, providing you’re all over the age of 17 and don’t mind a few swear words and left-wing political commentary. You get my drift.

At the moment it’s 5:30 on a pitch-dark Monday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters. The weather is responsible for that “pitch-dark” comment because it’s 67° with drizzle and fog; severe thunderstorms with heavy rain are half an hour away and are forecast to roll through here all night and well into tomorrow morning. I look forward to the hoo-hah. Let the mayhem begin!

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The Republican Paranoia Festival is already in full swing! Following Friday’s attacks in Paris by eight terrorists, the governors of Alabama, Arkansas, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Massachusetts and Texas have already announced they WILL NOT accept any Syrian refugees for relocation in their states because they’re a bunch of terrified whiny pussies. You win, ISIS!

Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX) sent a public letter to President Obama today saying the state will not accept any refugees due to many bigoted shitbags convincing him that terrorists will use refugees as cover to sneak across the borders. “Texas cannot participate in any program that will result in Syrian refugees — any one of whom could be connected to terrorism — being resettled in Texas. The threat posed to Texas by ISIS is real. ISIS claimed credit last May when two terrorist gunmen launched an attack in Garland, Texas. Less than two weeks later, the FBI arrested an Iraqi-born man in North Texas and charged him with lying to federal agents about traveling to Syria to fight with ISIS.”

That shooting incident in Garland? It was provoked by a stupid and highly-publicized “draw Mohammed” contest at a community center across the street from a mosque. What the fuck did you expect?

Governor Abbott, you pitiful putz, you can’t stop America from accepting refugees because THAT’S OUR GODDAMN JOB. The alternative is to leave them stuck in political hell, where they will either die or learn to hate the United States. Maybe we should also replace the engraving on the Statue of Liberty with: “Sucks not to be born here.” The lesson of World War II was supposed to be “NEVER AGAIN,” not “let them die because I’m scared and they’re the wrong religion.”

Sure, by all means, screen refugees to keep terrorist infiltrators out. We know how to do that and are doing it already. The way you stop terrorism is with international police work and intelligence, not leaving people to die. With screening we do a lot better with refugees than American-born white lunatics who blow up schools and federal buildings.

For the record, governors cannot stop the resettlement of approved and screened refugees. Yee-haw and fuck you, Greg Abbott!

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Amazon really fucked me up today. I’ve been a serious and loyal Prime shopper for eight years, but THIS WAS THE WORST. About three weeks ago I ordered myself a beautiful heavy-duty Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Wheelchair for Big Butts for $701.24 with no sales tax and free two-day Prime delivery. Unfortunately, after three revised shipping dates over the course of 10 days Amazon finally canceled my order on November 12 due to the wheelchair not actually being in stock and gee, Mrs. Marks, we’re really sorry. I wasn’t extremely upset about it, however, because ten minutes later I found a new listing for the same wheelchair for $566.80, which represents a savings of $134.44 and that’s nothing at which to sneeze! I ordered it, and delivery was guaranteed for November 16. Today.

To tell you the truth, I was uneasy about this order from the get-go because it seemed too good to be true. Why is Amazon selling an expensive piece of equipment — with those fancy padded leg rests! — for so much less than everybody else on the Internet? I couldn’t get an answer, of course, so I decided to monitor my order online and pester Amazon about a shipping date. Assuming the wheelchair is located at a distribution center somewhere in Texas (almost everything is located here in Texas) it would have to ship on Friday or Saturday (November 13 or 14) for me to receive it on Monday. I monitored the shipping status online every few hours but NOTHING EVER CHANGED. When it still said “Not Yet Shipped” late Saturday afternoon I decided to start annoying Amazon customer service through live chat.

I did the live chat thing four times, and each time I was promised Monday delivery even though the wheelchair showed no sign of leaving the warehouse. I even have printed transcripts from my chat sessions as evidence that Amazon continued to promise same-day delivery as late as 3 o’clock Monday morning ... EVEN THOUGH THE GODDAMN CHAIR STILL HADN’T SHIPPED.

At last, when I woke up this morning at 10 there was an email waiting for me from Amazon ... my wheelchair order has been officially CANCELED due to unavailability. What the fuck?!

I was ready to rip somebody a new one. And I tried, believe me. I got through to a supervisor via live chat and Sam sat in the background to help me negotiate discounts and freebies to make up for this ridiculous fiasco. Unfortunately, nobody at Amazon is authorized to do jack shit about ANYTHING, so I wound up with a one-month extension of my Prime membership — which is the same meaningless bonus you get when your canned tuna fish is delayed — plus a $25 gift card to use toward other Amazon purchases.

And then I ordered the same wheelchair from one of Amazon’s third-party sellers for $723.03. Last time I checked online my listing said “Preparing for Shipment.” Holy shit! WE’RE MAKING PROGRESS, PEOPLE!

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I wanted to do an Internet Deal of the Day for you but I’m tired and itchy, a clear signal that it’s time for a nice hot shower and another nap in the family room. The “itchy” thing is from a heat rash (I have a low-grade fever) that’s also bleeding, which is gross, annoying, depressing and altogether unpleasant as hell. A shower is the only thing that can fix this, with lots of smell-good body wash. Dial Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily is my favorite. What’s yours?