“Mr. Peepers” has ended his presidential campaign.

If you thought I wasn’t going to write Howdygram post today you’d be dead wrong, obviously, because here I am at my desk in the study with a can of diet ginger ale, writing today’s post! If you want to know why it’s taken me all day to get around to this, we can blame it on the chaise lounge (pictured below) in our family room. I fell asleep at 3:15 this afternoon and woke up at 7:45. Oy, right?

It’s presently 9 p.m. and I’m multi-tasking. Woo-hoo! This involves typing, reading incoming emails, drinking the aforementioned diet ginger ale and rehydrating a Mountain House freeze-dried entree for senior citizens. (Tonight’s featured meal: Biscuits & Gravy.) Since Sam already tipped me off that he won’t be home from work until the wee hours of Wednesday morning, whatever I eat right now has to hold me until breakfast. I suppose I can always rehydrate another bag of something else later on if I get desperate or migrate into the family room for a few potato chips. (There’s always a bag of Lay’s stashed on the lower shelf of our coffee table. Also cookies.)

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As a new week gets underway for the 2016 Republican clown car morans we find Jeb Bush in Florida, attempting to slap another Bandaid on his dying presidential campaign with a reboot and a whole new slogan: “JEB CAN FIX IT!” And there’s a banner to prove it!

Although I occasionally feel a tinge of guilt for shredding everything that Jeb says and does, I see my God-ordained job as a free-thinking liberal blogger to continue kicking this stupid puppy until he finally has the presence of mind to drop out of politics forever. But in the meantime, of course, Jeb wants to fix it! He wants to repair his shitty campaign so a few Republican primary voters actually want to support him. I mean, there have to be at least two or three people out there who’d pee on him if he were on fire ...

So the new tour is called “Jeb Can Fix It,” and Bush is expected to argue that he can bring his Florida experience to Washington, D.C., when it comes to hot button issues like tax cuts and deregulation. In the excerpts, Bush describes Florida as “a big, diverse state, shaped by conservative, results-oriented leadership.”

Tax cuts and deregulation? That sounds cutting edge and totally fucking new ... OMG, I’ve never heard words like that from a Republican before! Maybe this is Jeb’s strategy to finally win the endorsements of George H.W. “Daddy” Bush and Dumbass Dubya, who don’t seem to have made up their minds yet.

And here are a few other things Jeb needs to fix:

• How the chief operating officer of his campaign resigned due to Jeb wanting his campaign to be “lean and mean,” which is a nice GOP euphemism for “My campaign sucks and if I don’t find somebody to love me before next weekend I won’t have any dough.”
• Jeb’s staff forgot to register the domain “Jebcanfixit.com” and a Houston handyman service is suing for use of his slogan.
• Jeb doesn’t seem to know what the fuck his campaign is doing. Chuck Todd asked him about a leaked memo over the weekend with 112 pages of opposition research on Marco Rubio and how maybe Jeb isn’t completely dead yet. Has Jeb ever heard of this memo? Nope, he said he found out about it in newspapers, just like Chuck Todd! So now Jeb says the campaign really needs to be about him, fixing things. No shit.
• Hoodies, how do they work? There are zippers and hoods and sleeves, and too many moving parts. Video follows.

So in summary ... here’s another entitled Republican frat boy who’s too stupid to realize that his hoodie has a zipper and steals a slogan for his vapid presidential campaign from an appliance repairman in south Texas. God help us.

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The Howdygram is grieved to announce that goony little Harvard law professor Larry “Mr. Peepers” Lessig has ended his Democratic presidential campaign due to debate rules that wouldn’t allow him to appear on stage with the other candidates. Also because Lessig has no lips and nobody in the Democratic party really gave any fucks about his campaign, which focused solely on one single issue: GETTING MONEY OUT OF POLITICS.

He never had a ghost of a chance. Seriously.

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People, you need to SIGN THIS PETITION on MoveOn.org. Tell NBC THERE’S NO ROOM FOR BIGOTS ON “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” and they need to DUMP DONALD TRUMP AS GUEST HOST on Saturday, November 7. Bigotry isn’t comedy, and Trump doesn’t need 90 minutes of free air time on national television to vent his hatred of Latinos, minorities and immigrants!

Thank you. You can take a nap now.