I just bought myself new transportation due to unplanned ass expansion.

This is the biggest hoo-hah EVER, people! Sam let me buy my own belated birthday present today ... a brand new “SENTRA” BARIATRIC WHEELCHAIR by the wonderful people at Drive Medical who know how to build fancy transportation for large handicapped senior citizens! I ordered it this afternoon from Amazon and delivery is expected sometime next week. A nicely-detailed diagram appears below for your possible interest.

Incidentally, this wheelchair will replace the Invacare Tracer IV that I bought a few years ago on eBay. It suffered a meltdown in March when Sam was maneuvering me out of the cardiologist’s office and almost pushed me over a high curb. I slammed my feet onto the footpads to get him to stop, forgetting for a minute that wheelchairs don’t actually have any foot brakes, and both of the goddamn things snapped in half. So I’ve been riding around with zero leg and foot support since March, which looks really stupid and also hurts like hell. Sam will try to sell the Invacare Tracer to our local pawn shop along with a very uncomfortable “transport” wheelchair that I bought several months ago.

The Drive Medical Sentra has a wider seat than the Invacare wheelchair — a new requirement due to unplanned ass expansion during the last 12 months — and also has genuine padded arms and padded elevating leg rests so I can pretend I’m the goddamn Queen of England. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it! I’ll be able to road test my new wheels next month when I see Dr. M for my routine quarterly checkup and Sam gets to push me around at Baylor Medical Center. Woo-hoo!

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I decided to provide an update to comments in last night’s post about the “Project Runway” season 14 finale. In a word, IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I’d been rooting for one of the contestants — Ashley Tipton — all season, AND SHE WON. The other finalists, Kelly, Edmund and Candice, finished second, third and fourth, respectively.

Ashley presented Project Runway’s first-ever plus-size collection — with real plus-size models — at New York Fashion Week. Her clothes were so breathtaking that I actually felt a little heartbroken for never having had options like this when I was younger. Here are my two favorite looks. Are these outfits amazing, or what?

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It’s a pleasant Friday night at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is still at work — it’s only 8:30 and he’ll be there at least until midnight — and I’m still picking at tonight’s Mountain House freeze-dried dinner entree (Rice & Chicken) with a lukewarm can of diet ginger ale. I love my life! And I also want to report that I’ve been feeling really swell for the last couple of days with almost zero pain, nothing to kvetch about and no hangnails. Oh boy, right?

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Now I think I’ll retreat into the family room for a couple of “Columbo” episodes and a possible nap, due to not being able to keep my eyes open. For your possible interest Sam and I own the entire “Columbo” series on DVD; I bought the collection about a couple of years ago from Amazon. For $72.99 you get 34 CDs in eight boxes, including 69 episodes from seven seasons and all 24 made-for-TV “Columbo” movies.

Thank you!