The time Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson scared me to death in the family room.

I woke up this morning after insufficient sleep and had no idea what day it was. NO FUCKING IDEA. For a few minutes this was maybe the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me, even scarier than the time I was asleep on the couch and woke up watching Giant — the scene where Jett Rink (James Dean) in old-man makeup gets so drunk at his own testimonial banquet that everybody walks out and leaves him alone to throw chairs and chew the scenery — and five of his guests (Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson, Carol Baker, Chill Wills and Jane Withers) peek their faces through the door to see what the fuck is going on. I woke up from a nap with that “peeking” scene on the TV screen and hallucinated they were all peeking into the family room at ME. I started shrieking “GO AWAY!” until I realized I was freaking out at Rock Hudson and still half-asleep. Whoa.

Do you ever get fed up with celebrity news getting throat-crammed in your face on serious news websites? I do, big time, and I’m mad as hell. A few minutes ago I’m reading about the jaw-dropping terror attacks in Paris on ABC News’ website and up pops an important accompanying story in the right sidebar.

Marisa Tomei stuns in little black dress. 

What the fuck. Does ABC really think anybody gives a crap about Marisa Tomei’s dress except maybe Marisa Tomei and her mother?

Which brings me to two other ridiculous stories that popped up this morning on serious news websites, both involving paparazzi magnet Caitlyn Jenner ... Kim Kardashian’s transgender stepfather with big boobs and lipstick.

Caitlyn Jenner jeered by transgender protesters in Chicago.

Caitlyn apparently had a hard time with transgender protesters Thursday in Chicago after delivering a speech at a fundraiser for a program that provides services for the LGBT community, and many in the angry mob — armed with pitchforks, rocks and torches* — accused her of not being an appropriate representative for transgenders. *Okay, I might be kidding.

“YOU ARE AN INSULT TO TRANS PEOPLE,” one protester screamed at Jenner. “You have no right to represent us. You are an insult.” The hate obviously targets Jenner’s life of outrageous Kardashian-style privilege, including her fancy-ass sprawling mansion in the mountains above Malibu, expensive plastic surgery, a staff of full-time stylists, hair and makeup artists and a closet packed with designer clothes that’s larger than my first apartment ... all while yakking about her “lifetime of suffering.” Suffering?

Jenner reportedly tried talking to the crowd but was eventually yanked away by security. (Probably a very good idea, considering.)

And next ...

Husband of 9/11 hero cop returns his wife’s Woman of the Year
award after Glamour magazine honors Caitlyn Jenner.

The widower of a hero female cop who died in 9/11 returned his wife’s Woman of the Year award after Glamour magazine gave the same honor this year to Caitlyn Jenner.

NYPD police officer Moira Smith received her award posthumously after she died helping to evacuate people out of Tower Two during the 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, saving dozens of lives. But her husband James, 53, was pissed as hell after Glamour announced last week they were giving their 2015 award to Jenner, posing below with an ugly orange napkin holder, modeled after an intrauterine device from the mid-1970s.

James Smith wrote to Glamour: “I find it insulting to Moira’s memory, and the memory of other heroic women who have earned this award. Was there no woman in America, or the rest of the world, more deserving than this man? At a time when we have women in the armed forces fighting and dying for our country, heroic doctors fighting deadly disease, women police officers and firefighters putting their lives on the line for total strangers, is this the best you could do?” And then he shipped back his wife’s award in a FedEx box.

Not very nice, pal. 

As for Caitlyn Jenner, during her acceptance speech she talked about the “confusion and struggle” she had felt about her gender. “I've had many, many, many years of isolation of hiding from the world, lying to the world, of not being myself,” Jenner said. She also quoted French activist and writer, Simone de Beauvoir who said: You are not born a woman. You become one.”

I support the transgender community and LGBT rights but I do NOT support self-absorbed screwballs.  Cait, sweetie, I’M CALLING BULLSHIT ON THIS. First, nobody wants to hear about your stupid “struggle” when you just spent the first 65 years of your life being rich, privileged, famous and intensely popular ... with three beautiful wives and 10 children. And second, I was born a woman and didn’t have to “become” one. What kind of crackpot motto is THAT?! How about if you try dealing with 40-plus years of menstrual cramps and tampons before you repeat baloney like that again?

Thank you.