Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I guess “toilet police” are a thing now.

Hey. Hi. It’s me again. With Sam asleep in the family room I thought I’d get started on today’s Howdygram post because I love this more than anything else on earth not counting Chinese food, a Margaret Rutherford movie and four-hour naps. But not three-hour naps.

I’m getting confused. Maybe I should move on to Marcy’s Parade of Fonts.

I’ve got a friendly little variety of EXCELLENT FREE FONTS for you today! I especially love “Marguerite” — look at that fantastic lowercase “g” — and “Little Creator,” but I can use them all for greeting card designs [check out The Howdygram Store on Zazzle] and assorted other artsy-fartsy projects that pop up from time to time. If you want any of these for your own collection I’ll include download links after the graphic. And if you don’t understand why fonts are an important part of life, please email me as soon as possible.

Pilgrim’s Pride, America’s most popular poultry poisoner, is recalling more than 4.5 million pounds of fully cooked chicken products that might kill you. Sold in boxes of whole-grain breaded nuggets, patties, breakfast patties, tenderloins and popcorn-style crapola, the chicken is contaminated with “extraneous materials” according to the the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Swell.

The aforementioned “extraneous materials” include plastic, wood, rubber and metal, all lightly seasoned, breaded and deep-fried to a tasty golden brown. Products were sold in stores under the Gold Kist Farms, Pierce and Sweet Georgia brands and shipped nationwide to schools, other institutions and grocery stores. If you want a complete list of these recalled products please access this PDF from the USDA’s website.

Out of curiosity, how does a company bounce back after recalling 4.5 million pounds of food? The scope of this hoo-hah is mind-boggling. FOUR AND A HALF MILLION POUNDS. That’s practically every goddamn chicken nugget in the universe!
Best of luck to you and yours.

It’s already starting, people. Like a hideous nightmare, police in North Carolina or Mississippi — the news story doesn’t specify which state — just dragged a woman out of a public restroom for “not looking like a real woman.” Yes, apparently the legislated LGBT haters have already hired TOILET POLICE, and they’re ready to inspect your hoo-hoo, check your I.D., and arrest you for daring to pish in a public facility if there’s any question about your gender or if a nearby pisher reports you to authorities for being different. THEY’RE ONLY PROTECTING THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN! Jesus H. Christ. I’m going to be sick.

Dennis Hastert, 74, former Speaker of the House and a serial child molester who was second in line for the presidency during George Dubya’s administration, is the Howdygram’s well-deserved Putz of the Week. Today Hastert was sentenced to 15 months IN AN ACTUAL PRISON for crimes related to an unsuccessful cover-up for raping five underage boys (we’re guessing there were probably many more) when he was a wrestling coach in the 1970s ... and then attempting to pay millions of dollars in “hush” money to keep his victims from blowing the lid off his crimes.
Although the statute of limitations had run out on convicting Hastert of rape and child abuse, U.S. District Judge Thomas M. Durkin had no problem whatsoever handing down a sentence for the cover-up, which began just a couple of years ago when Hastert’s huge bank withdrawals became suspicious and he told the FBI he was being blackmailed by one of his victims. In truth, it was a huge payoff scheme that sent the FBI on a ridiculous wild goose chase looking for the facts. Hastert is a liar AND a child molester.

The defense asked Judge Durkin to give Hastert probation and produced more than 40 letters of reference to sway the final sentence. Former Majority Leader (and bona fide scumbag) Tom DeLay, for example, wrote a letter saying Hastert was real good at praying and at being a super awesome Republican pal who never molested boys in front of him. Somehow that wasn’t good enough for Durkin, who might be a Democrat.

In the 1990s Hastert’s rise in politics was “meteoric” due to being the only Republican who wasn’t actively cheating on his wife — that they knew of — while impeaching Bill Clinton. And while he’ll never again get to position a La-Z-Boy recliner in front of the locker room showers to make sure that his boys “don’t fight” (he actually did this), once Hastert is released from prison he’ll be allowed to piss legally in public bathrooms full of all the underage boys he can find in any state in the nation.

Even so, it’s satisfying to see a creepy, corrupt asshole from the party of morality scolds face some consequences for his actions. Good riddance and drop dead, Denny!

After suffering embarrassing primary losses yesterday in five northeastern states – Maryland, Delaware, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Pennsylvania — senatorial fuckface Ted “Einstein” Cruz apparently needed a creative “hail Mary” play to stop GOP frontrunner Donald Trump. Therefore earlier today the Cruz campaign announced that Carly Fiorina — the failed CEO, failed Senate candidate, failed presidential candidate and universally hated anti-Planned Parenthood psychotic — will be the Texas Senator’s vice presidential running mate. This is Einstein’s pathetic attempt to pander to female GOP voters (who loathe Trump). Worse yet, Cruz only picked Fiorina for sheer logistics, not because he actually likes her or thinks she’d be a good vice president.

According to Politico: “The hope within the campaign is that Fiorina will help Cruz in California, which will award 172 delegates on June 7. Fiorina is scheduled to give the keynote address at this weekend’s California Republican Party convention, speaking hours after Cruz takes the stage.”
Seriously?! The woman who helped wreck Silicon Valley and lost a statewide election to Barbara Boxer by 10 fucking percent apparently is the perfect choice for Ted Cruz’s California comeback plan. In a desperate last-ditch effort to pander to all the females who despise Donald Trump, Cruz is trying a John McCain move circa 2008, only this time America knows who Fiorina is and they already hate her in advance. But unfortunately for Cruz, he isn’t winning primaries and he isn’t even the party’s nominee. So what the fuck is he doing?

Thank you for dropping in and have a truly pleasant evening, okay?

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