Thursday, December 10, 2015

Paste-eating cretins in Texas plan a mass shooting demo with cardboard weapons.

Today is officially upside-down and completely fucked up, and I’m afraid it’s all Sam’s fault. He had a two-hour 9 a.m. dental shootout this morning at the Sunnyvale Not O.K. Dental Corral, and as soon as he left I was feeling moderately crappy due to pain and parked myself on the chaise in front of the TV, at which time I immediately fell asleep. As in COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS. I remember nothing whatsoever until Sam wakes me at 1:30 to ask if I need any lunch, meds or injections before he goes to work.  


For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Sunnyvale Not O.K. Dental Corral on Collins Road; and C) the world-famous Mesquite Championship Rodeo with ACTUAL COWBOYS.
To kill a little time in advance of my next nap I’ve been printing this year’s Sam & Marcy Christmas cards, an adorable design I threw together about an hour ago in a fit of unbridled creativity. In case you care, it looks nothing like the three potential designs I posted yesterday. (Deal with it.)

If you’re a paste-eating cretin you’ve probably been watching the news and thinking out loud, “Oh boy, another mass shooting! When can I get involved in something as cool as that?!” Therefore a club of gun-humping Texans — who sincerely believe that white boys in U.S. America should be allowed to wave their weapons of death in Home Depot stores nationwide — has decided to put on a little fun-time FAKE MASS SHOOTING DEMONSTRATION this weekend near the University of Texas in Austin so everybody can get in on the action.

The Open Carry Walk and Crisis Performance Event will involve actors being “make-believe shot” by fake murderers armed with cardboard weapons, said Matthew Short, a spokesman for the paste eating cretins gun rights groups Come and Take It Texas and “It’s a fake mass shooting and we’ll use fake blood,” he said. All gun noises will be blared from bullhorns in case a fake mass shooting isn’t terrifying enough for the locals. And other paste eating cretins people will then play the role of fake rescuers, also armed with cardboard weapons.

The club is doing this partially because they have a lot of free time, due to how they have zero girlfriends and even less sex than Civil War re-enactors, and also because they’re so fucking excited about a new Texas law — effective next August — that it’s totally okay to bring your penis gun ON CAMPUS if that makes you feel like a real man. Spokesman Matthew Short, asked if he was worried his demonstration might be viewed as stupid as fuck by normal human beings without Teeny Dick Syndrome, spouted a few traditional pro-gun talking points like the useless NRA puppet he seems to be. When asked f he was worried the demonstration, which will be preceded by a walk through Austin with loaded weapons, might appear in bad taste following the mass shootings in San Bernardino and Paris, Short said: “Not at all. People were able to be murdered because no one was armed.”

While it’s entirely possible that an armed asshole could thwart a surprise attack from an armed bigger asshole, chances are much higher during the panic of a mass shooting that a bunch of half-brained Bubbas would have no idea where the shooting actually started and instead just aim at each other’s dicks until either everyone ran out of ammo, or everyone was dead, whichever comes first. (This is an excellent hypothetical narrative that explains how insane the idea of people dying “because no one was armed” is.)

However, University of Texas spokesperson J. B. Bird issued a statement warning the paste-eating cretins they’re NOT WELCOME on campus, so the murder demo has been moved one block south as soon as they finish their marching parade around town.
It takes no imagination to come up with a worst-case scenario. A parade of armed people with levels of training varying from “I bought this yesterday” to “wants to play Call of Duty on his lunch hour” strutting down a city street? One sick fuck taking one shot from a rooftop could set off a literal firestorm that would give America nightmares for years.

And tell me again why we’re supposed to be afraid of Syrian women and children refugees?

Thank you.

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