Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Morans with cardboard guns and victims drizzled with ketchup. Introducing the Austin Massacre of 2015.

There’s exciting news this morning from Howdygram headquarters. I just made my first-ever reservation on Mesquite’s senior citizen transit service! Now I can ride to my doctor appointment next Tuesday in a fancy little bus with an elevator and stay in my huge new bariatric wheelchair, and Sam won’t have to rupture any vital organs trying to maneuver it — and me — in and out of our car. Be sure to check back with us afterwards for a full report, okay?

You may recall my post from last week about a club of half-brained gun-humpers planning to stage a fake mass shooting near the University of Texas in Austin to prove that gun control won’t work and massacres only happen because “people were able to be murdered because no one was armed.” What the fuck. Enough already!

In a surprise twist, however, the aforementioned gun-humpers didn’t show up where or when they said they would, clearly proving that nobody can predict when bad guys with guns will shoot up your school so everyone should be armed at all times. Ironically, the fake mass shooting was overwhelmed by a “large group of counter-protesters wielding dildos and bullhorns that generated farting sounds.”

The gun activists and fart advocates largely missed each other, however, thanks to the excellent strategic thinking of the pro-gun gang, who staged their “theatrical performance” of a mass shooting earlier and in a different location than originally announced. Holding their publicity stunt at a time and location where nobody but the performers would see it made a very serious point, organizer Murdoch Pizgatti explained: “Mass shootings happen unannounced. You must be armed.”

That’s really deep, isn’t it?

ThinkProgress had a dramatic video of the pretend slaughter, which included an asshole with a bullhorn reading from a badly-written script. Two more assholes in bandanas “shot” their victims with little cardboard guns and another drizzled them with Heinz ketchup as soon as they hit the ground. The police and media arrived way too late to witness the comedy. (They didn’t miss anything.)
It’s always fun to live in the Lone Star State. Here are the fart activists in action for your possible interest.

Thank y’all for reading this!

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